Minus The Whipped Cream and Cherry

What I did this Summer.................

2010-10-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

Well hello there, remember me? I guess I owe it to all my dear old blog fans and friends what has been going on with me.

I am still alive, and don't worry, I'm still fat, but I will get to that in a minute.

With the ice cream store having an uncertain future, I decided to take my life and family into my own hands and in May of 2010 I signed a lease for a little retail store across the street from my ice cream store, on June 13, 2010 I opened Kids Planet, a children's resale boutique. I can't even believe some days that I actually did it. I am very happy at the moment, but it hasn't been easy.

I spent most of my summer juggling my many hats between Kids Planet, and the ice cream store and then coming home to try and be a mom. My husband, my MIL and parents have been 100% supportive of my new dream. My MIL stays home with the kids for the most part. My kids cried a lot in the beginning because they missed me so much. When my husband was busy at the ice cream store, I would go and help him after I closed my store, and on the unfortunate days that my MIL couldn't watch the kids, he would stay home and I would run both stores.

I have been spending the last 4 months working solely on Kids Planet and trying to build a new brand. The challenges of trying to get this store up and running has been a tremendous challenge, this is the first thing I have done from the ground up. I must say, I am pretty damn proud of myself!

I spent most of the summer at Kids Planet or Baskin Robbins, that I never stayed home to cook a meal or eat at home. The husband and I ate out every meal, breakfast lunch and dinner pretty much the whole summer. At the beginning of August, I started not to feel good at all. I started having chest pains and felt I couldn't breath. Without health insurance, I chose to ignore it and chalk it up to stress and my asthma. I finally ran out of medicine for my asthma and the walk in clinic near my house finally stopped treating me.

In a panic, I called my MIL's doctor. I went to her in the beginning of August, and she gave me the bad news that I was dreading. My blood pressure was dangerously high, and my EKG was abnormal. I needed to get my life under control or I would die. I went to her at my all time highest weight of 367.

From that moment forward, I cut salt out of my diet and limited my meat and sugar intake. Within one month, I lost 15 pounds and lowered my blood pressure and got my asthma under control (with her help of the right medication).

I still haven't been cleared to exercise yet, but I am feeling a lot better about myself, I currently weight 322. Which is a 35 pound loss. I have made a personal goal to be out of the 300's by the end of the year. I haven't weighed less than 300 in SEVEN years, so if I hit that goal, I will be extremely proud.

Also, I have been trying to get help with one of the main reasons why I am over weight and that is due to the abuse I endured as a small child by one of my family members. I actually am very proud to say that I have cut him out of my life and have not spoken to him in weeks. It is actually kind of freeing. I read that abusive kids can never heal when their abuser is always around. I am also considering going back to therapy to cure my emotional damage. I think I owe to myself and my husband and kids to become emotionally a stronger and better parent and wife.

Whew! That was long over due. Now that my crazy summer has winded down, I have plenty more time to blog! I look forward to catching up with all of you!

I did it!

2010-03-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

I did it my friends, and I couldn't be happier right now. When I started this March, I had zero expectations. I have been living morbidly obese for years now, and I am so so tired of being me. I felt like l I hit a all new low. I weighed the most that I ever weighed. I thought I would cut out processed foods, fast foods, ice cream and popcorn. I vowed to give up bread and sugar for 30 days.

Today is the last day of March. I lost 20 pounds this month. I can not even believe it. What a difference a sugar and bread detox can make. I didn't even think that I could even get through it some days. I did, and I feel better now then I have in the longest time. I am going to continue to not eat the stuff for as long as I can. I am determined to try my best to get this weight off.

Thank you everybody for your continued support. I really truly appreciate all the kind words. Most of you have been with me through this roller coaster. I hope that this time, I can at least get down one hill, and try to climb back up another.

my not so friendly scale

2010-03-25T06:42:00.000-07:00

My not so friendly scale isn't doing much this week, however, TOM is looming. Sucks. I am not giving up!

Just another Manic Monday (Wish it were Sunday)

2010-03-22T05:53:00.000-07:00

Well, Monday has rolled around again and showed it's face. Its funny, I never used to care about Mondays or weekends, they all were the same to me since our store is open everyday. In the summer the weekends are our busiest, so I actually enjoyed Mondays, unlike the rest of the population. Then my son started first grade. Now Mondays consist of a crabby 6 year old that doesn't want to get out of bed, getting his back pack and lunch ready. Then I usually go to work on Monday's, so the short 45 minutes I see him in the morning is the only time I see him. I feel like the weekends are too short, because I love being with my kids that much.

Speaking of lunches, did anyone Jamie Olivers Food Revolution last night? Amazing show, I am totally hooked.

So I have good news to report, I lost 7 pounds this week. I am so glad that I kept on going and didn't give up. I was feeling confused last week since I only had a 1 pound loss. I didn't get discouraged, and now I am feeling very glad that I didn't. I honestly believe that my body was in shock in Week Two. I have been abusing food for so long, that I think it was in shock. I am so motivated. I actually haven't weighed this amount in a long time. The last time I saw this number on the scale, was after I gave birth to Adriana in 07. I tend to gain weight AFTER pregnancy. I am the complete opposite of every other mother. I am a sick pregnant person. I throw up the whole 9 months. After I give birth I feel like I can eat again, and I eat. A lot.

So the week went well, it went, lets just say. The concert went well, I had a couple of tears in my eyes. I can't believe how big my son has gotten. (That picture is of him and his friend at the concert, Jake being on the left) He is turning into such a little man. We did however get some upsetting news about the future of our store, I can't really discuss it, but its very stressful. Needless to say, I am super stressed, the husband is too. He's been using me as his punching bag, and its hard some days. The store is our only means of income, and without it we are pretty much screwed. It's hard to get a good nights sleep. I have no idea what our future holds at this time. Usually I eat when I am stressed, which is why I have been so overweight the past years. I mean, I was always a "chunky" girl, but never obese. Michigan has been in the toilet for years which totally impacted our business. I went from having no problem paying bills, driving expensive cars, having a few vacations a year, not looking at price tags, to BAM, we spent our savings, and had to change the way we lived drastically. It is very stressful at times. Anyone who owns a business can understand the stress, but for the majority of people that don't, you have no idea. Over the last 5 years, we have changed our spending habits, went on very few vacations, and drive modest cars. But this past winter has been even rougher then normal. Its always so hard to bounce back.

This is where I need to realize that I need to take care of myself. This will be a true test of time to see if I can get myself healthy. I am no good to my family being overweight and unhappy. I am the rock that always holds everyone together. I am the "fixer", as my husband calls me. I am the one who calls people, sets up payment plans, juggles the bills, etc. I think that eating so much has helped me cope with all of these stresses.

I am so uncertain of whats to come of our future, but I do believe that we will be okay. Things will work out and I will work hard to make sure everyone is okay...including myself.

Day 15

2010-03-17T11:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much time to post. Its been busy at the store and at home. I did show a one pound loss on Monday. It wasn't the loss that I was expecting, since I have been so good, but I realized that I am happy with it. I haven't gone off track, and I think I will show a greater loss next week. I am feeling very positive and excited for whats to come.

Tomorrow, Jake has his first grade concert, something I have been dreading. The fat mom sitting in the audience. I wanted to feel more comfortable. I really shouldn't care. I was drinking a diet Pepsi the other day and he wanted a sip. I told him he couldn't because it was diet. He asked me if I was on a diet. I said yes. He then asked me why. I bluntly said, because I was fat and wanted to look better for him and his sister. He then looked at me, gave me the biggest hug and said.."Mommy, you don't need to lose any weight, you're beautiful just the way you are".

I started tearing up. I know he feels that way about me now, but I don't want the day to come where he is embarrassed by me. Hence, my fear of the first grade concert.

I hope everyone is having a positive week, oh and Happy St. Patty's day!

Plateau?

2010-03-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

I have been having a fabulous week. I've been too busy to write about it though. Some nice Spring weather has blown into Michigan here and the store has been busy. (Which is a good thing).

I have been extremely good this week. I mean I haven't eaten this well, and exercised this much in 6 months or more. I feel little changes. Like for example my ring feels looser, my stomach feels less bloated. The scale however, isn't showing any more loss. In the past I have been able to lose the weight faster. I am wondering if this is some sort of plateau, like the second week curse.

Any thoughts?

I survived week one

2010-03-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

Well, I did it.

I survived week one! I am 8 pounds lighter than I was 7 days ago, and I am feeling much better. I actually went one whole week without bread or sugar........AMAZING. I didn't know I could have that kind of self control.

Today is a good day.

Here's to wishing the rest of the week stays this good.

Day 4

2010-03-04T06:11:00.000-08:00

So today is March 4, which means it's day 4 of my diet. I feel great actually. Day 1 and 2, not so much. I think the sugar and carb coma my body has been in for months and months, didn't like the instant cut off of no sugar. My whole body felt sick. I haven't gone 4 days without ice cream, well, since, I can't remember when..... 4 days without pop....... 4 days without sugar in my coffee, 4 days without bread.......... the list can go on and on.

Yesterday I awoke, and felt much better. I didn't feel sick. I made eggs for breakfast (for everyone). I wasn't even hungry til 2 in the afternoon, when I ate grilled chicken and veggies. I had a salad at 5. I did get hungry at 8 pm, so I had scrambled 2 eggs.

So this morning, I awoke again, in a much better mood. Usually my whole body hurts when I wake up, and maybe it did this morning, but I don't. I just remember feeling happier than I have had in months.

My husband said if I get "healthier" we will take the kids to Disney World. Something I haven't done since 2005. My MIL said when I get "healthier" she is taking me on a cruise, just me and her. (since my husband wants nothing to with being on a boat in the middle of an ocean). I appreciate that they are using words like "healthier", because I know deep down, that's really all anyone wants. I also appreciate the rewards, but I am not doing this for those reasons. I am doing it for myself. I haven't done much for myself, except feel sorry for myself, in a long time. Hopefully I'm on the right road to recovery this time.

I'm Baaaaaacccccckkkkkk

2010-03-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

Well Hello there to all my fellow bloggers! I have thought about you all often, but I was in a deep state of mind. I couldn't bring myself to blog. I couldn't even check on your blogs, for thoughts of sadness and depression consumed me. On Facebook, I can act happy and be myself, or even shave some of my depression away, but on here, I have always been truthful.

So to answer all your burning questions, Yes, I am still fat. Yes I gained a lot of weight, and Yes, I am currently the heaviest that I have EVER weighed. To think that I have to start back from square one, has been a hard thing to swallow. I am truly miserable with myself.

Please don't throw me a pity party because I do not need one. Ive given myself enough of those with ice cream, chips, popcorn, cookies, and enough Taco Bell to take a bath in.

Oh, and yes, I still have an ice cream store, and yes my MIL still lives with us, and yes, my kids and husband are still my life.

I decided when the new year turned that I was gonna change, but needless to say, I have had a slow start. So as of March 1st, I have turned over a new leaf. My new goal isn't to be "skinny", its to be at a place where I can be happy with myself, and whatever that weight will be, then be it.

So with change comes old habits, and part of my road to happiness, I blog. I blog because it makes me feel better. I blog because the truth comes out easier, I blog to talk to people with the same problems as me....I blog to connect those who truly inspire me.

So I am officially back. Just like the month of March, I might be creeping into this like a lamb, but I sure hope I soon will be roaring like a lion.

HORRIFIED

2009-08-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

I am still alive and grateful for those that still actually care. Its so hard for me to blog when I feel like shit about myself. The summer has been pretty shitty eating wise, I have done well with eating, then have done really bad. In the end, I still am maintaining my weight. I am still FFL (fat for life) and severely depressed about it.

Ice cream business is okay, in July we had a shitty month weather wise, which in return made it shitty money wise.

I went to a water park with the family for a couple of days and my MIL took pics of me. I am horrified. I have a wedding to go to tomorrow and I am HORRIFIED.

I tried to get health insurance and was denied due to my weight and I was HORRIFIED.

Now I am convinced that I am going to drop dead any moment from a heart attack or stroke and I am HORRIFIED.

I want another baby but I am HORRIFIED to get pregnant.

I need to make a change so badly, it is all I can think about. What am I waiting for? I can't even walk past a mirror. I cannot even take a pic with my kids. I have been a prisoner this summer. I am not sure how much longer I can live like this.

FFL (Fat For Life)

2009-05-26T11:59:00.000-07:00

Okay so the reason for my absence hasn't been because I am doing so fantastic that I wanted to surprise all of you with a big loss and wow everyone. I was doing very good on WW, but then I stopped going.

I know right? I'm a total loser...

I did lose some weight and I am sort of maintaining that weight loss, somewhat, but the truth be told, I am still fat.

I have been to embarrassed to blog since I quit WW, I think you all are disappointed in me as well.

I have thought of blogging everyday. But honestly, I didn't know what to say to you all.

Today I decided just to be honest. That is what I always have been on here, and whether its good or bad news, at least I am being honest.

Last night, I was in our bed watching Jon and Kate plus 8 eating Funyuns, drinking orange Kool-Aid when I told my husband, "I'm so FFL", which is a term we use with each other all the time. Even though we laugh and think its funny, ha ha ha.... but the truth is, I really don't want to be FFL.

Why can't I change?

New Beginnings...

2009-03-24T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have so much to blog about, and I don't want to over do it in one post. I for one, don't like to read other posts that are so long winded, so I am just going to keep this one short, for the moment.

Obviously, I am not going to be a contestant on the Biggest Loser anytime soon. I was shocked a little, to be honest, that I didn't even get a call back. But that is going to be all in my other post that is being drafted.

After the tryouts, I have to be brutally honest. I have been in the worst funk. I was never trying out for the show to be famous. I just wanted to come back a new me. I wanted that one on one attention from a trainer, and to work out, without interruptions and that focus. I wanted my time to take my life back. I realize now, I need to get off my fantasy horse, and really do something about myself for me. Its not that I got rejected from the show or casting that has me so down, its just me in general. I have been on this battle for so long, that I cant remember when I exactly stopped battling. I haven't been watching my diet, I haven't been exercising. I have been eating non stop, and blaming everything and everyone else lately for my failures.

After a lot, and I mean a lot, of soul searching. I have come to this.

This morning, out of nowhere, I joined Weight Watchers, again. I can't even tell you how many times that I have done this very same thing. My mom started me on this program at the ripe old age of 12. So I am not new to the program. However, it has been the ONLY program that has ever worked for me. I need the constant structure of journaling my food, I need to attend meetings to get support, I need to see the scale every week. I need all of those things and more. I haven't told a soul in my family, not even my husband, whom I tell everything. I will in time, but for now, I am keeping this to myself, and all you in blog world, of course.

A part of me is so happy today that I feel that I am getting the support and guidance that I finally need, admitting that I cannot do this on my own. But another part of me is kind of down and sad that I have let myself get this far out of control. When I weighed in, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, even though I weighed myself before I left, I know what my number is. It is the biggest number I have ever weighed in at the start of a WW program. For some reason, I have all of my old weighin slips, and I already checked them all. I am the biggest girl at the WW so far that I could see, (and one of the youngest) But their stares are not going to stop me. I am not a newbie. But I know I can do this.

Thanks to all who have not given up on me, even in the last weeks, when I felt that I gave up on myself. I plan to make this yet another, new beginning. It defenitely isn't my first new beginning, but I am sure as hell trying to make it my last.

My Biggest Loser Experience

2009-03-11T10:21:00.000-07:00

As most of all of know from my previous posts, I tried out for the Biggest Loser 8. And much to my dismay, I am not going to be a celebrity anytime soon. I did try out for TBL 8, and it was a complete nightmare. One that I hope to never do again in my lifetime. I think if it wasn't so damn cold outside, it would have been more bearable.

The audition was on Saturday, February 28th, at 10 am. I worked the night before at the ice cream shop, and when I was driving home I saw people already camped outside the furniture store. I couldn't believe it. I got home. Got my kids in bed. Re-wrote my application, got my pictures in order, put everything in a nice envelope. By this time it was midnight. My husband got home and said that there were at least 30 people waiting in line. I got dressed in layers, did my hair and makeup, (not too much makeup, just enough). I put a lot of thought into how I looked. I wore a nice outfit, nothing to outrageous, but something I would wear to a nice restaurant out with my friends or to a nice party.

I brought a thick long blanket, my lawn chair that I bring to soccer games, etc. I pulled up at 4 am, and I was all by myself. All the other crazies all had partners or other people waiting in line with them, so they could take turns waiting in the car to warm up. (It was I would estimate around 20-25 degrees, and it was snowing!) I never felt more out of my element. The people that I was waiting in line with, were, how do I put it without being offensive? A little rough around the edges. Most of them have tried out for the show almost every single year, and most of them had plans to go to the Cleveland, Ohio audition that was the following weekend if this audition didn't get them a call back. I was listening to people in line talking about how they were at the Chicago audition the weekend before.

These people were not dressed to impress anyone, they were screaming, yelling, getting all riled up, the police even came. They were ALL smoking. It was an experience. I was shocked to see how many didn't even have an application with them, nor had filled one out yet. I mean you waste all this time in line, wouldn't you have filled out an application by now? I pretty much kept to myself, I didn't want anyone to know too much about me, I figured that the people that were around me would be the people that I would be interviewing with. I was thinking in my head that if they knew stuff about me, then they would be thinking of even more clever ways to be more exciting than me. I mean for the two sets of couples that were in front of me, this was their 5th time auditioning, so they already knew what to expect.

The local news station came at about 5 am, and everyone was acting like fools! I wrapped myself up so you couldn't see my face. I thought I didn't want to look stupid, just in case casting saw the footage.

I did make friends with the people in front of me, and behind me. I did have them save my place in line 3 different times. But in the back of my head I knew I shouldn't just trust people to save me a place. 2 of the times I left the line, I went into my car and warmed up, the second time I went to the bathroom at the corner gas station. At around 8 am, I put my chair away into my car, because the line started to get longer as the sun was coming out, it seemed more and more people were coming. By 10 am, I was officially freezing. At this point the auditions were starting, but nobody was letting us in. The let in the first 50 people, and all of the people who had VIP passes. I was number 72. I was so cold, I cannot even express to you how cold. I was shivering uncontrollably. My back started to throb, I couldn't feel my fingers. I was tired, sore and achy, and I had to pee, AGAIN. I wasn't going to go pee, because I didn't want to lose my spot. At some point I felt that I wanted to start crying right there. A lot of people were in line with other people, and they were all hugging and snuggling with each other to keep warm. The wind was awful! I wanted to give up, but I was so close to getting in, and I have come that far, I knew I could wait a little more.

When the doors opened, I was so relieved. It was 11:40 am. I have never been more happy to be inside somewhere. I quickly started to undress. I had my blanket, which I folded up, I had 2 coats, 1 hat, 1 earband, gloves, etc. I took all of them off, and fixed my makeup and hair in various mirrors around the store (the audition was in a furniture store). I let my hair down, I looked good, but not the best I could look for being outside in freezing temps throughout the WHOLE night. At this point, most of the people were scrambling to fill out their applications, including the people that I was standing in line with since 4 am. I did take pictures, but my camera broke after, and I don't have any to show you guys. I was really bummed about that.

Finally, it was our turn to see the casting director, and there were 13 in my group. I wasn't scared, I wasn't nervous, I was just ready. Ready to do this finally.
I sat in the middle of the table. I wanted to make sure I was noticed. I had my application out and was making direct eye contact with the CD (casting director) he introduced himself has Tad, and that he was the main CD, so that we had the best table. He said all he was going to do was to ask us our name, age and occupation. Since I was in the middle, I patiently waited my turn. I was the only one at the table that even looked presentable, my application neat, not wrinkled, penmanship perfect, pictures in order all stapled together, the two girls to my right, had hoodies on and hats on their heads, the two to the left of me, had applications all wrinkled scribbled out and filled out that morning. Tad said he smelled smoke and asked who smoked. Everyone except me and one other man raised their hands. It was evident that the smoke smell was so strong that Tad couldn't concentrate.

Before Tad got to me, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. This was the only chance I had to let him know that I was special, someone worth looking a second chance at. I have heard from past contestants that this is when you make them know your special. Then as he was still supposedly listening to the girl on my left, he started to circle my application around the part that I wrote I owned a Baskin Robbins. So then he looked at me.

I said: "My Name is Amanda, I'm 33 years old, and I have the best job in the whole entire world".

Tad said: "She sure does, she owns a Baskin Robbins, what is better than that?" and he was chuckling.

At this point, I got up out of my chair and said "I have had this job for 17 years, you sure can tell......., I have some Jamoca Almond Fudge over here (I grabbed my left arm), some Cookie Dough right here (I grabbed and jiggled my right arm) some Peanut Butter and Chocolate right here (I grabbed my ass and shook it)"

I sat down, and proceeded with telling him my weight and how much I could stand to lose, and he was laughing with me and so was the rest of the table.

That was about it. The rest of my group had nothing else interesting to say. I felt that I stood out from that whole scene, and I walked away proud of myself. When I got home, went to the bathroom finally, I was so relieved. (no pun intended, ha ha) My husband took care of the kids while I slept, and I still felt so cold. I don't think I felt warm for the rest of the night. He couldn't believe that I actually went through with it, and he felt proud of me too.

Needless to say, nobody ever called me for a callback. I was very disappointed. I thought at the very least I would get that far. I was a little frustrated for awhile. I kept thinking over and over in my head if I should of done something different. But I realize now, that I did what I could, and I just wasn't what they were looking for. I do know that I plan on losing this weight. I knew that even at the audition. I am not like a lot of the other people that I stood in line with for all those hours, I am not going to go from City to City and audition. I will change my life one way or another. I do not need a spot on a reality tv show to lose this weight. Would it have been nice, of course. Am I mad at the show? No way, I am still a huge fan, and think I always will be.

Hey, at least I can say I tried out for reality tv right? It might make for an interesting story one day.

I learned something

2009-02-24T07:58:00.000-08:00

I learned a little something from former contestants of TBL, and that is, even if you are auditioning for it, TBL doesn't want you to talk about it. I guess, if you talk about it on FB, Myspace, or blogs, they don't even want to consider you. I guess they want to keep everything a secret, which I can understand. So I am not going to talk about it furthermore. Just in case.

Just so you know, if for some odd reason, I go on some long hiatus in the oh lets say the next year or so, don't give up on me. Just know that I might be somewhere exciting that I cannot talk about.

HEE HEE. Who the Hell knows? You never know until you try. Right?

Thanks you guys for your support, I really appreciate it.
You guys are all the best!

Yuck

2009-02-21T11:48:00.000-08:00

It is snowing, again! I hate it. We are expecting 4 to 8 inches today. It sort of is depressing.

I hope you all have a nice weekend.

Happy Friday!

2009-02-20T08:41:00.001-08:00

I am trying to stay positive, even though I feel like I have had the shittiest year so far health wise. Now my kids have a nasty cough, Jakob an ear infection, and I got pink eye. I swear, I just want everyone not to be sick for awhile. Its not just my family, a lot of people have been suffering from these viruses.

I need a break!

On another note, I had a "meeting" (i put that in quotes because we love hanging together anyways) with one of my besties about the video we are going to put together for TBL audition. We came up with a funny idea, and hopefully I can link it somehow for you to watch after its all done. I really am not video friendly, and I was starting to get nervous about it. But after watching tons of audition tapes on YouTube, I realized that I don't think they look for how good at video editing you are, they just want to see you on camera.

I have seen some people on facebook that are starting facebook "groups" to back them up on facebook. I of course don't need facebook, I have all of you. So please, keep sending me comments, because I am definitely going to use this blog on my application. If you want me on the show, then it might make a difference.

Whatever, the case may be. Even if I don't get far in the audition, I am not going to let it get me down. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason. So even if the audition is a bust, I am going to use the experience as something I did, that I can write in a future 25 things about me list.

On a totally different note, TMZ has posted a picture of Rihanna all beaten up by her stupid ass boyfriend. Somebody from the police department leaked it to TMZ, and I think that is such a shame, why can't they leave her alone? Poor girl.

Ask yourself these questions....

2009-02-17T10:04:00.001-08:00

I have decided to go audition for TBL 8, because well, everyone I know thinks its a good idea, plus all of your comments that you all made, made the decision very easy. Plus it is practically within walking distance of where I live, and I feel that is a definite sign. I think I am also going to take Fab Kates advice and try to put together a video, I am not that "video" inclined, but I could give them a tape to show that I am serious. Cameras don't bother me, people do not bother me, and I can make friends with anyone. (Cameras and pictures only bother me because I am not happy with how I look, I normally try to dodge them, put if it is for something where everyone is in the same boat as me, I can do it.) Part of that comes from my personality and the other part is from my business, I have to talk to people and make friends with customers and be outgoing and bubbly. It is part of my life. Its hard to see on a blog, but I am quite funny, but only to the right crowd, not everyone thinks I am funny, as I am more saracastic. I also use my weight as most of the jokes, that is my defense mechanism.

I think that I am the perfect person for this show, (this is where I will toot my own horn, so I don't normally do this, but here it goes, my confident cocky side of my personality is going to come out):

I feel that I am outgoing and funny. I am not shy. I am not intimidated by other people. Confrontation does not bother me. I have a pretty face, which I had when skinny also, and I still have even fat. (not everyone has that going for them, plus I have great hair). I have always been and still am, popular with girls and boys. In school, on the block etc. I am smart. I have no problem getting in front of crowd and speaking. I own an ice cream store, which is interesting to most people, let alone to maybe America? As my Husband puts it, I am one tough Bitch. I could do the hard physical challenges, I do not give up. I am a hard worker. Even in the business, I do not sit down until everything is done, and sometimes I have to pull long hours especially on hot days or holidays. I am strong. I can handle someone yelling at me. I can take someone pushing me. I am loyal and compassionate. I would never intentionally hurt someones feelings to better myself. To some people I am the funniest person they know, and a party isn't a party without me there. I have the full support of my husband, my MIL (to take care of the kids), my neighbors and friends.

So for all the above reasons, I am going to give it a shot. I am not going to let it affect me or disappoint me if I don't make it. I know the reality of how many thousands apply. I feel that I have to at least try.

If selected, I know I would have the ability to change my life and help others change as well. I know that I am perfect for the show, but how do I let them know that I am perfect?

So I have been putting a lot of thought into my written application, I was thinking about what all of you would say about some of these questions. They only give you a few lines to fill these spaces with, and I don't need your answers, I have my own, (Im not asking you because I want to copy them) but some of them really can get your mind thinking.

Here are the few I am thinking about:

WHAT PERSONALITY TRAITS ARE YOU ANNOYED BY:

WHAT IS SOMETHING WE WOULDNT KNOW BY LOOKING AT YOU:

FOOD IS:

EXERCISE IS:

MY WEIGHT IS:

WHAT WAS THE LAST UNUSUAL, EXCITING OR SPONTANEOUS THING YOU INSTIAGTED?

WHATS THE HARDEST THING ABOUT BEING OVERWEIGHT?

HOW COMPETITIVE ARE YOU?

HOW ATHLETIC ARE YOU?

Mind you they only give you about 4 lines to write all of these answers.

How would you answer some of these questions, I think its harder than it looks.

Am I being silly?

2009-02-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

Please tell me what you think. I really need your serious advice. On February 28, they are having open auditions in my part of town for the Biggest Loser. I really feel like I should maybe try, but on the other hand, it sounds so silly. At my age, to try out for reality tv, I normally make fun of that sort of thing.

I need your SERIOUS feedback.

Manda's Minus 31 Challenge FEB CHECK IN!!!!

2009-02-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

Heeey! Congrats to all that are doing the challenge! It has been one hell of a January for me, and as what I have heard for a lot of people! I am so dang happy January is behind us.

All of our "challengers" are doing well. If you haven't done so already, please check in with me so.

Here is the stats for January 09:

twix
Shelley Down 2 pounds!
Blooming Orchid
Allison Down 5 Pounds!
Biz319 Down 4.4 Pounds!
Dee Down 4.2 pounds
Skye
Mizz White
Ms. Gigglepus Down 7.8 pounds!!
DaDiva
Cookie Down 4 pounds!
Ria Down 8.5 pounds!

So far a combined weight loss for all the above fabulous bloggers is 35.9 pounds! That is awesome! Keep up the great work, and I am looking forward to see who steps into the lead at the end of February! Good luck! and remember, there is ice cream on the line people! Yummy!

Lets Play Some Catch Up

2009-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

I am back! Yeah! I was on a mini hiatus, and for those of all that cared, thanks for making sure I was still ALIVE! It makes me feel loved. For those of you who follow me on Facebook, well, you know most of my dramas.

I do not plan on boring you with all of my boring details, because we would be here all day, so I will summarize the last few weeks for you all into parts. Good News and Bad News.

BAD NEWS!

Almost 2 weeks ago now, my son threw a DVD at my daughter, (by accident) and it sliced her eye ball. You read that right, her EYE BALL! My son lied to me, because he did not want to get into trouble, and she was passing out from the pain. Not knowing what happened to her, I rushed her to the emergency. I assumed by her symptoms, she fell and hit her head, and the emergency put her thru a series of tests. It wasn't until I got home from the ER, my son fessed up and told me the truth. He is now in the middle of a 30 day grounding (from Wii and other various activities) and we are working on teaching him the serious consequences of lying. Also, I am learning the valuable lesson of giving him his own one on one attention that he needs, and praising him. I have noticed that EVERYONE (not just myself) tends to give my daughter much more attention than him, and I think he was starting to act out. He did not intentionally mean to hurt his sister, he just told me he wanted her to move out of the way, and he wanted to watch HIS dvd and not hers. After giving him much more needed attention, I am noticing already a change in his behavior (all part of learning to parent).

GOOD NEWS!

Adriana's eye already had made a full recovery and there is no permanent damage to her eye. (Yeah!)

BAD NEWS!

My Husband, my Son, my Daughter AND my mother in law all had a really bad stomach flu. Again. For the second time this January. It was awful. I am so sick of puke. I don't want to see it again for a long time.

GOOD NEWS

I, as of today, have not gotten the flu. Yeah Me!

BAD NEWS.

Due to the above events, I have not been to the gym.

GOOD NEWS!

I went back to the gym today and started my Monday off right and am hoping for a great week this week! Also, I did clean out my closet! (Surprise! I really do have a walk in closet, who knew?) and I came across a ton of old nice clothes that are too small for me. I did pull out an old pair of pants, one size smaller than my current size, and they fit! I was very excited, and feel good about whats to come.

BAD NEWS

I haven't had time to blog or read any blogs and hope to play catch up this week.

GOOD NEWS.

On January 21, I reconnected with 2 dear friends that I have known since we were all 4 years old. We have since lost touch since high school and thru facebook we have been reunited. They came over with their kids to my house and it was wonderful. It felt as though no time has gone by. It almost feels as though my life is getting together, something in my heart has been missing, and this was one of them. I cannot even express into words, having them back in my life has done for my soul. I am forever grateful for facebook.

BAD NEWS :(

As much as I like the said above friends back in my life, it has been hard to deal with all of the memories we all have with each other. The two of them, both had alcoholic parents, whereas, I didn't, but I didn't have a mom that was very supportive of my weight. Which in a sense can be abusive to a certain degree. Through a lot of talking and swapping stories, (Even though I have only just saw them in person, we have been conversing through chat and phone). Upon reminiscing the "old days" sometimes my childhood comes up as well. I mean, these girls have known me forever, stayed the night at my house, has spent time with me and my family. They know what it was like. A lot of things that I may have gone through with my parents when I was in elementary, junior high or even high school, I think I chose to forget. When they tell a story, it immediately comes back. I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I feel its not good to forget all that stuff and its good that I am getting it out. But on the other hand, some of the memories that have resurfaced, makes it hard for me to fall asleep at night. Its not major stuff (I will have to elaborate in future posts) that anyone needs to worry about, but it makes sense on why I have an eating problem.

GOOD NEWS

Its so comforting to know that there are people in my life now, that do know where I came from and what I went through, and my life is forever changed for having them back into my life. I loved my day with them and even posted a picture to share with you all.

As for Manda's Minus 31 Challenge. I will be posting an update later tonight. If you are in on the challenge, please post a comment with your weight loss for January so I can post your progress.

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth......

2009-01-24T16:03:00.000-08:00

I am still alive, and have had a shitty week, one that involved my daughter being taken to the ER and ended with my husband throwing up from yet another stomach flu. As of this very moment, all seems well, but I am dead tired.

I promise, more to come!!

Im officially a legal driver...and other sentimental crap

2009-01-11T06:35:00.000-08:00

After the big Social Security and Secretary of State debacle, I am now officially a legal driver in the State of Michigan. Hallelujah! Not only that, my name has been officially and legally changed. Whew! With all of that behind me now, I can really focus on my eating habits, which where not so great this week, they weren't so bad, but weren't so great either.

I did get 3 workouts in this week, which I am proud of. But I really want to get in at least 4. I would like to eventually get in 5. The plan is 3 at the gym and 1 to 2 at home. (I get a sweet deal at the gym because I am only allowed to go M, W and F).

I have been weighing myself about every morning, which I hate, but I am so drawn to do, and I haven't lost anything. I haven't gained either. It was my TOM this week, and with the added stress of my license crap, hopefully I can let some pounds go this week.

Yesterday we got a lot of snow again, 9.5 inches. Hubby and Jakob went the whole entire day to his brothers house to lay tile. I had a worker at work, because hubby didn't want me to drive that way in the storm, and plus we didn't have a sitter for the baby for me to even go to work. The whole day Saturday, it was just me and Ani girl. The only reason I am bringing it up is, although, I missed my son a lot, I really enjoyed my alone time with my baby girl. I never get that time since she is my second. It really made me think a lot about all the time I had with my son, and how much I already missed those sweet days. Nowadays, I only get alone time with her when Jakob is at school, which is only til 12:15. I spend most of that time at the gym, or the baby is sleeping and I do housework while the house is so quiet.

Yesterday, Adriana and I enjoyed a lot of cuddle time, we played with her Kitchen and cooked a lot of play food, we read books, we played downstairs (basement where there is a boat load of toys), we sang and danced, played with her baby dolls, and snuggled watching tv on the couch. It was a wonderful day. I really remembered those times with Jakob, but him being my first, I wish I had the knowledge that I have now. I remembered being so unsure of myself and what I was doing, so stressed that I wasn't "doing it right" worried all the time that the house was not perfect or the laundry was stacking up. I wish I could go back in time sometimes, and teach myself everything that I know now. All I can do is be grateful for all the times I have, and now I can learn to appreciate it more. Even though my son is getting older, he is still a little boy that needs his Mama, and I cherish all those little moments with both of them. Since I was feeling all nostalgic, I posted some pics of my sweet moments with my son. Have a great weekend, and hope next week Rocks!

Srecan Bozic and other things....

2009-01-07T05:54:00.001-08:00

Today is Orthodox Christmas, not that I am doing too much with it today. Its sort of sad in a way because my MIL is Florida, and we usually have dinner at our house. Now I will have to start taking down the Christmas decorations, which is also sad to me, I always keep it up for the 7th. So I guess for me, my Holiday season, will officially be over tomorrow.

Thanks to all who have joined my challenge, if you still want to join, its not to late! I am excited to see what is to come of all it. Monday, I went back to the gym. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was extremely crowded though. I thought I would be in worse shape to go, since it has been a month since my Dad got sick and all, and I was shocked to see how fast I got back into the groove. When I started the gym, I could barely make it 2 minutes on the elliptical. Monday I did 8 minutes. I only wanted to do 7 because I thought my ass was going to fall off (which in the scheme of things, wouldn't be such a bad thing) but L was on the machine next to me and told me to push myself for another minute. So I did, and I was calling her an F**in bitch the whole time. She just laughed and said, "that's okay".

Tuesday was a different story. I have a huge problem procrastinating. It is something that I have always struggled with, but it seems in recent years, it has become a huge problem. You guys are gonna flip when I tell you what I have done now.

My birthday was 25th of September, and my license expired on my birthday. They sent me the appropriate paperwork that it was expiring and to come on in and take care of it. I needed a whole new license and picture, etc. In my jacked up head, I think that sounds like a hassle that I don't want to deal with, and put it off. So a week before my birthday, Hubby was telling me to go take care of it, and I was like "I will, don't worry".

Needless to say, I never did. What's worse, is not only do I drive around without the license, when Hubby went to pay the insurance, they told him that my license was revoked or suspended so I was off the insurance. So heaven forbid, I get into an accident or anything with any of our vehicles, I would not be covered. Than our insurance went up because believe it or not, I have the best driving record in the house.

So the day after Christmas I went to Secretary of state to renew the license. They wouldn't let me because my SS# didn't match my name on my license. When I got married 7 years ago, I changed my name on my license, but I never went to change my SS#. The State of Michigan now has a law that passed last year, where EVERYONES license must match their SS#.

So yesterday was going to be my day to solve all of these problems, and finally get a valid drivers license. I got up before the kids, got ready, took Jakob to the bus stop and went directly to SS, I waited in line outside with all the other people before 9 and got my number, waited hour and half to get called. The bitch at the window, was the worst human being I have come across in years. I never brought it to attention that my license was expired, I just told her that I needed to change my last name. She right away, said "sorry, we need a valid photo id in order to change it, and this is not valid." So I was like "What can I do?, Secretary of state wont validate my license without my name being changed" She was like "sorry, its not my problem". I told her that, I realized that I screwed up, and I wasn't blaming her for my problem, but I needed to know how to fix it. She looked at me like I was some sort of scum of the earth and said , "You knew your license was expiring, and you chose not to take care of it, you did this to yourself, you have had 7 years to come in and change your name, and now its too late" At this point, my eyes started to tear up. This is what I don't understand. I am normally such a strong person, and tears do not come easily for me. I can normally battle with someone like this, until the end. I did start my period that morning, which can make for an emotional day.

I asked her again "what can I do, I need a license, so what can I do?" She was shrugging her shoulders saying again, "Its not up to me to figure your life out" More tears started to stream down my face, I said "Its your job to tell me how to fix it" she simply said "No its not" and then she was like "Okay, bye bye now".

What an evil bitch.

Upon walking out, my gut released and I started crying. Now that I am thinking back on all of it, I was part frustrated with the lady, and part extremely mad and disappointed in myself. As much of an asshole the lady was, she was right. I did do it to myself. Maybe the truth hurt. But also, I had such a feeling of lost inside me and I didn't know what to do. I called Bob and he got Adriana ready and I called L to pick up Jakob from the bus. Bob and I went back to Secretary of state. I thought at that point that I need to get a license in my maiden name, just to have a license. To make all of this very long day short, at secretary of state, which this lady was very nice and helpful, said that I couldn't change back to my maiden name, that my married name is now my legal name. I know, it is so very confusing, and we were all very confused yesterday. But she did tell me that this was happening to a lot of people, and I wasn't the only one with this problem, and she said other people were telling her how rude the SS people were to them as well. She said that even though my license was expired, it was still valid, it is my ID and they have to accept it as ID. She said demand to see a manager. She told me that no one should treat me that way.

She made me feel better, and then Bob and I, with baby in tow, went back to SS. We waited only about an hour this time. I went up to the counter, had someone different, and said "I need to update my Social security" with my papers in hand, she said "Did you get married like 10 years ago, and need to change your name", with like a laugh. Immediately relieved, I was like "Yeah, something like that". I gave her my Id, my marriage license, etc. She was happy to change it. Then she said before I do anything, like go to Secretary State, I needed to wait 24 hours. She said I wasn't the only one, and with this new law, she sees it all the time. She never said anything about my licensed being expired, or anything. She was actually normal.

I am not even sure what the point of this story is. I guess, I feel that I need to get my life back in order and to stop putting things like this off. I am still not sure why I do it. I also learned, that no one should treat me like the first lady at SS did, and I was very disappointed in myself for taking that from her. As part of my goals this year, I will try to make an effort to change this about me. I feel it is all somewhat associated with weight loss as well. My whole life, has spiraled out of control, and I promise myself to try and get it all back. I am not promising that I can change in one year, I mean this is 33 years of bad habits. But I really want to put forth my best effort. Its nice to have the reward of finally going through with things and completing them.

So needless to say, yesterday left me with a massive headache that has moved onto today. Even though my head was pounding, and regular over the counter drugs were not helping, I still managed to get a work out done at the gym. None of my friends were there, but I was actually okay with that. I just listened to my MP3 and kept to myself, I was not in the mood to be friendly.

I am actually starting to feel better now though. I hope everyone is having a good week and goals are being achieved. I know a few of mine are this week, and already I am starting to feel good about 2009.

Hopefully tommorow, I will finally be a legal licensed driver again.

Manda's Minus 31 Challenge

2009-01-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have decided to make losing weight this year a little fun. I mean, why not? We all like fun things. I decided to start a challenge. Manda's Minus 31 Challenge. (I thought I would put a play on words with the name of my blog with what I do for a living.) Okay, before you give me that look, I can explain my thought process on the ice cream bit. Since I own a Baskin Robbins, I was excited about the new Brite Choices that have come out this year. We now have more options for a healthier lifestyle. It really is amazing. So I figured, I am going to start a challenge. The first person who loses 31 pounds before the end of March, I will send you a free gift of ice cream. Well, I can't actually mail you the ice cream, but I will send you a gift certificate to use at any Baskin Robbins in the U.S. The winner can enjoy something off the Bright Choices menu, or buy some ice cream for someone they love. Plus they will receive bragging rights on their blog, of course!

To join this challenge, all you have to do, is send me a comment on this post that your ready for my challenge. You will have to post my Challenge Badge (don't laugh at it, I am a computer graphic's novice, and I don't feel its that bad for my first!) on your blog linking it back to mine.

Every month you must check in with me with your loss for that month, so we can see who is in the running! In the event no one loses exactly 31 pounds, I may just crown the winner the one who looses the most, or extend the date, we will have to see when the time comes.

So who's on board? A new year, a new you.

UPDATE:
I really don't want to leave anybody out, so if you do not have a Baskin Robbins by you, please still join, and in the event you are the winner, I promise to think of a good reward, really, I already have my thinking cap on!

Wanna see who's already up for the challenge?
twix
Shelley
Blooming Orchid
Allison
Biz319
Dee
Diana
Skye
Mizz White
Ms. Gigglepus
DaDiva
Cookie

Just say Hi back people...

2009-01-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

I come across rude people everyday of my life. I am so sick and tired of all these rotten, no good people. I really am. For those of you who regularly read this blog, know that I own an ice cream store. Every single person that walks in my store, while I am there, I always say "Hi" to them, or something like "how are you doing today" no matter what I am doing, even if I am with another customer.

What irks me to no end, is when I say "Hi" and they look at me, and ignore me with silence. Like, am I that revolting that you do not want to say Hi back to me? Is it because I am behind a counter, and therefore must be some 30-ish loser who can't get a real job and therefore you must be better than me? Is it because I am over weight? WTF people?

Its just an hi, I don't want to know your life story, or what brings you in, or why your there, or how much ice cream you eat everyday, or what kind of car you drive or how much you hate your own life. I just want to be nice and say hi.

I feel that I deserve an Hi back. People who do this, just beware, I think you are an asshole, and I actually feel sorry for you. People should be nicer, especially to those who will be handling your food that goes into your mouth.

Okay, I am done for my rant for today, I just am trying to stay positive and happy, but its hard with all of these rude ass people that keep coming in to get ice cream today.

Happy frickin New Year, yeah yeah yeah....

2009-01-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a fabulous New Years, I for one, had a shitty one. I almost mean that literally. I really had no plans, but one is always for sure, I make a steak dinner on New Years eve. I have done this for at least 10 years now. Its a silly tradition. Even if we have something to do, we always eat at home first. This year, we had no plans, but I still was making my dinner. When I got home from the market, I noticed Bob was just laying on the couch. He was fine an hour ago, I mean I just talked to him on the phone. He said he didn't feel good.

Well, he barely ate my dinner, and I was pissed thinking in my head that I just wasted $28 on steaks that he barely ate. The baby was crabby because her and her brother have had bronchitis for the past week, the MIL seemed not to be going anywhere, which meant I was stuck with her too for the night. Then right around 9 pm, Bob started puking, and then shortly after, the baby started puking. It was one of the worst nights ever. I had to clean up puke after puke after puke. And not just baby puke, grown man forced steak dinner puke too! He didn't make it to the bathroom one time. Not to get into many details without grossing everybody out. Lets just say I have done more laundry and more scrubbing the last two days then I have all month.

I did rent 2 movies, that was our plan, to watch movies, eat popcorn, drink champagne. I even bought Jakob's favorite bumpy cake. So after Bob fell asleep, I thought in my head that, well, I will have my own good night and watch a movie, pop some popcorn. I got all situated in the den. As soon as I was about to start watching (Burn After Reading, which was good by the way), the baby started screaming in the monitor. So I never had a good night, I ended up with her most of the night. But, that is part of being a mother and dealing with Hubby, well that's part of being a wife.

So my New Years day was just about a repeat of the night before, the only bonus being, I had no adult puke to clean up. I spent the entire day cleaning, sanitizing, changing sheets, cleaning bathrooms with bleach and more laundry. And trying to find dry food that doesn't have color that might stain my carpet later by coming back up from one year old, was really hard to do. By late afternoon I was begging Hubby to come let me open the store, but he didn't feel well enough to take care of the kids. By nighttime, all was calm and the baby actually slept the whole night. I finally got to watch that movie and eat that popcorn. Champagne is still not touched though.

I had a whole list of things I wanted to write down that were somewhat goals and aspirations for 2009, but my mind and body is too tired to type them all down.

So here it the jist of them in short form:

1. To get healthy.

2. To eat less and less of processed, packaged, fast foods.

and lastly

3. To de clutter my house.

I think all of the above can be accomplished because I have already started this journey. I know that I am capable of success, and I know that I am capable of change. I also recommend picking up this weeks People. I find it to be the most inspiring People every year. Last years People was the sole reason I started blogging. It worked for someone last year.

I am at work, so I must go and make money. I have to go home to Pukey Pukington, even though I want to stay here all night. I hope everyone had a safe and memorable new years. I know mine was.

Goodbye 2008......

2008-12-31T08:14:00.000-08:00

MyHotComments

Since I am not sure that I would have time later to post....I wanted to wish everyone a rockin' New Years Eve. I think this year is going to be awesome! I know this is the year that we reach all of our goals.

I wish everyone a safe and Happy New Year and I hope that you spend it with those that you love.

See you next year!

I definitely stuffed my stocking....

2008-12-29T20:03:00.000-08:00

I have been on a blog hiatus, and I am sorry. It is so hard to get in alone time, let alone while I am awake. I hope everyone in the blogosphere had a wonderful holiday. I for one did. I think a little too much! My healthy eating style blew right back up the chimney along with Santa. I actually look like Mrs. Claus right now!

I hope that everyone got to enjoy the time with someone that you love, and that you truly enjoyed the time that you spent with them. As most adults know, its not about the gift, it is about being with your family and friends. I was very fortunate to have my Dad home for Christmas, and I made sure to see him that day. He is well for now, and I pray for him every single day. He is not out of the woods by any means, and his previous heart doctors are now referring him to another hospital to have them do their assessment for a possible heart transplant. With his heart as weak as it is right now, I am not sure how long one can live like him. I am very weary about the possibility of a heart transplant, as that can be fatal in itself, but then how fatal is he at this stage? I fear the possibility of him getting sick from a stupid cold and getting bronchitis or pneumonia right now, and I fear that would be the worse for him, and I think that he is not taking all the proper precautions to not get sick. All I can do is pray for him.

As far as my weight loss journey, I guess like everybody else on the planet, is starting fresh after the new year. I only say this because, I have lost all of my gym buddies until then, and I am having a small new years eve gathering at my house, and my husbands birthday is this Sunday, so Monday is perfect to start fresh for me.

I believe that 2009 is going to be my year, I know I say this every year, but this time I truly believe in myself. I have seen what a little exercise and dedication can do, and was so pleased with the results thus far. This 2009, I am going to take time for myself and work out. I am worth it.

I hope you all feel that you are worth it too.

Things I've learned when visiting my dad in the hospital

2008-12-17T15:52:00.001-08:00

Thanks to much praying and positivity, my Dad is finally doing tremendously better. His heart is miraculously gotten stronger and it looks like he is headed in the right direction, and tonight they transferred him out of ICU, and not to mention it is his 64th birthday today. To say the least, I feel a miracle did occur, because last Friday they (the doctors) were bracing us for a possible heart transplant, and after a few procedures he is looking like a new man.

Yesterday, I didn't have the chance to visit him in the hospital, partly because I didn't have anyone to watch the kids and the other part being I didn't have anyone to watch the store (Hubby could watch kids if someone watched store). So I have had some time to actually reflect on all that has happened over the last 2 weeks. And this is what I came up with:

I really do love my dad and the possibility of losing him was very scary, and the thought of how much that I took him for granted really sunk in.
I realized how fragile life really is, and that it really made me realize even more so, how important eating right and exercising really is. It is a must for me to be healthy at his age, for myself and for the sake of my family.
I now am understanding how addicting Twilight is, since I have been reading it while my Dad sleeps and in various waiting rooms during various tests and procedures. Edward Cullen is very hot.
I hate the smell of the hospital.
I learned that I am actually a very strong person. When I thought that I had a weak stomach or a weak heart, I actually was the stronger person around for my dad. It actually took me by surprise of how I reacted in the stress of the situation. Husband told me last night that I tend to think that I am weak at things, when in fact I was the strongest person he knew.
That I have a lot of laundry to do.
That I actually felt for these 2 weeks that "I could so be a doctor", until someone started to throw up and or have the shits, then I realized that I wasn't too sure about that.
The hospital food really does suck.
I got a major addiction to the Starbucks in the hospital, its been a hard one to break.
That my mom turned more into her psycho-self, after she realized that my dad was going to survive, but when he was severely sick, she seemed almost normal.
I realized who my real friends were, and were surprised by the ones that obviously aren't.
That that Hospital had the best ice ever (remember I am an ice chewer).
I have realized that some of my childhood friends that I grew up with are more caring about me and my family, then some of the people that I thought were my best friends now.
I learned that right when I thought the possibility of my dad leaving us, I immediately thought about me and how my life would change, and I was surprised to see that I was thinking only of me and my life, and not my mothers or anybody elses.
That the gift shops were TOTAL rip offs. And not only that, they sold their own sweatshirts and shirts, and I wonder why on earth someone would want their logo on a sweatshirt, and I am contemplating buying for my dad as a joke.
That my mom is extremely selfish when it comes to my fathers side of the family.
That my fridge was very bare.
That I put everything and everyone else aside, and didn't even realize that I did that until yesterday, when things turned around for him.
That all the different color scrubs, really does mean something, and I learned which every color meant.
That you never wanted to be on floor 4E because that would mean you are going to die and probably very soon.
That my husband cant walk into the hospital without being depressed and having severe flashbacks of the night his dad died there, and what was worse, that his dad died on the same exact floor where my dad was (Heart ICU). (My father in law died of open heart surgery 10 years ago)
That I still have most of my Christmas shopping to do.
That my kids missed me very much and were fighting for my attention.
That I am not sending out Christmas cards this year, the first time ever for me.
That family is very important
but most of all, your health.

Cabbage soup

2008-12-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

So in an effort to stay somewhat on track this week, with everything that is going on in my life, I made a HUMONGO pot of Cabbage Soup. I have always found in the past, that Cabbage soup is good for me and is filling and low fat and always seems to help me out in weeks that are "bad".

I have one particular recipe that I follow, but I always seem to vary it. I will put in the various veggies that I do have on hand, and I never stick to one simple plan.

Here is the basic recipe that I use:

4 cups chopped green cabbage (1/2 of a small head)
2 medium carrots, sliced
2 medium celery stalks, sliced
1 medium onion, chopped
1 pkg. (10 oz.) frozen green beans, thawed slightly
1 can (15-1/2 oz.) cannellini beans, drained, rinsed
6 cups water
2 cans (14-1/2 oz. each) chicken broth
2 cups canned crushed tomatoes, undrained
1 env. GOOD SEASONS Italian Dressing Mix

This time I added mushrooms, and skipped the green beans because I didn't have any. I also skipped the cannellinit beans for Northern Beans. I added extra carrots because I love the carrots and added a small amount of pasta in it (the minestrone kind, I forget the name of them) I put the pasta in it this time (not a lot) because my husband likes it that way, and its more filling for him to take to work.

So my question is: What is your one recipe that you make to help you get on back on track? I would love to hear about it, and also, if you make a soup yourself, that is good for you, I would love for you to share it. In the winter we are always making soups here.

The Waiting Game

2008-12-13T16:33:00.001-08:00

I am adjusting my weight loss ticker, I promised myself that I would adjust it to my thanksgiving gain, and I never did. So I wanted to let you all know, that I did adjust it today.

So I gained a few pounds, its not all that bad. Its not what I was hoping for this week, but it is not bad considering the circumstances that I have had this week.

As for an update on my dad, well, its not that great. They have discovered a virus in his heart, which has caused some major damage. The heart is only pumping at 10%. They have a balloon that is doing a fabulous job for him at the moment, but after 3 days the body rejects the balloon so it most come out on Monday. I guess on Monday we will find out if his heart will get better and repair itself, or if it will get worse and the possibility of a heart transplant would be next. Its hard for me to even wrap my head around all of this. He has been such a major part of my life, and we have a very close relationship. Not only that, he is the ONLY Grandpa for my children, and I feel that they still have so many more memories to make with him. I still just do not see him leaving us yet, I feel that he is going to walk away from all this. He might be weak for awhile, but I don't care, as long as we still have him.

I have to say that now I feel it is even more important to get healthy. I keep thinking if the time came for me, and I have some sort of heart attack in my future life, (which at this rate, could be sooner than later.) Will I be laying there in the hospital wishing that I would have taken better care of myself in my thirties? Of course I would be. I don't want my children to have to come visit me like that and worry that I might not make it, especially if it was something that I could of prevented.

Why can't I get it through my thick head of mine that I need to be healthier. Its not about me anymore, and it hasn't been for 5 1/2 years now. I have 2 beautiful children that would miss the hell out of me if something were to happen to me. I want to be there when Jakob graduates from College, or when he has his first child. I want to see my daughter in her wedding dress walk down that aisle. I want all the grand children to come to our house and celebrate Christmas with us. I want to grow old with my Husband and babysit all the grandchildren.

I want all of those things and so much more.

It is so much clearer now than before how important changing my life is.

I've received a new award! Its so Fabulous!

2008-12-10T13:13:00.000-08:00

In the midst of all my family drama, I received a blog award yesterday, or the day before, I can't really remember, I was nominated by two very amazing woman, Mizz White and Skye, whom I read both of their blogs. If you don't know these blogs already, please take the time to visit them.

I really appreciate them for thinking of me for this award. In the middle of my personal life and all the dramas with my weight and emotions, and now with my father not well, its nice to be sidetracked, if even for a moment.

So here are the rules:

1. You have to pass it on to 5 fabulous blogs.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions.

So I guess these are my fabulous addictions:

1. My Family (my kids and hubby)

2. Trying to become healthier for said above people.

3. FACEBOOK (aka crackbook)

4. myfarm (Facebook application that I can't seem to stop playing, I am literally obsessed with growing crops and shit, its really stupid, but addicting)

and 5. would have to be Christmas, I am pretty addicted to it right now...

3. Make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them.

So my nominations for the Your Blog Is Fabulous award, in no particular order, are:

Felicia (I know you were already nominated for this, but I had to again)

I know that this is more than 5 people, but I wanted to recognized the above women. Most of them have been on this Journey with me for over a year now, and I because of that they are FABULOUS!

Well, its off to do more work now, so I have to go. My dad is doing a tiny bit better, but still in ICU.

Thank you everyone for all of your support!

Update......................

2008-12-10T05:49:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, I would like to thank every single person out there who has sent me support during this stressful time. It really means so much to me.

I haven't had too much time to post an update, I haven't had too much computer time. My dad is still in the ICU and they said he did suffer a mild heart attack, what I don't know at this time, is when exactly. My money is it happened during surgery. So now his heart rate is too high, he has fluid in his lungs (which is part of the breathing problem), his heart muscle is very damaged and weak. They really haven't said much to us, they are just running a bunch of tests. He does need a heart cath, and from what I heard, he needs to be a little stronger before they will do that test.

Dealing with my mom is another thing that can drive me crazy. On Saturday morning she was a total pill, but surprisingly enough, she hasn't reacted all that bad these past days. It is actually kind of interesting how strong she is on her own, but with my dad around all the time, she acts totally different.

As far as eating or working out, nothing is happening. My schedule is different, I have been going to the hospital in the morning, so I haven't had any gym time, and the eating has been on the go. I am trying to make more conscience efforts. I haven't let my eating go to all shit, I haven't pigged out at night in front of the TV, or any of that, but I haven't had time to even go grocery shopping, so I did order pizza the other day for the family. I feel that if I can just get through the Holidays without going up any further and maintaining the current weight, that is great for me and a major accomplishment. If I lose a couple pounds a long the way, I would be ecstatic! I usually gain 20 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas and that is not an exaggeration.

My husband has been supportive in every way during this time. He lost his father 10 years ago from complications to open heart surgery, so he is nervous to say the least. He has always liked my dad and they have a decent relationship.

I am on my way to get my day started, I mean, it already started, but I mean for me personally, and not my kids. I am going up to see my dad, and then I will eventually head off to work. The hospital and work are both within minutes of each other, so that part is easy.

Thanks to all who have been there for me, I do get a chance to read comments, but however I feel sad that I haven't had too much time to catch up on your blogs. I am going to try at work, that is usually where I have the most peace and quiet. There is ice and snow on the roads, so ice cream isn't usually the top on everyones list this time of year.

Oh and I am more than a little upset that Vicky made it into the finals no problem, but more than excited that Michelle made it on top! (Biggest Loser)

Thanks again everyone!

An Emotional Friday

2008-12-05T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am just having one of those days. My father had hip replacement surgery, which isn't supposed to be an alarming surgery. My Mother told me not to come because I do have 2 small children and a business. Basically if I am not at work, I am at home with kids.

I was having a great morning, ate a good breakfast, worked out at the gym. Did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned my room, cleaned the kids rooms, changed the beds, made lunch, but both kids to sleep for a nap, and BAM! my Mother calls and says that my Dad is having a hard time coming out of the surgery, that he wasn't breathing good and that there may be something wrong with his heart. At this point, my mom is sobbing on the phone and my heart is literally falling into my stomach. I don't talk too much about them, mainly because my Mother is the reason why I started to have an weight issue. But my Dad and I have always maintained a great relationship, and I am not ready for any of that to end anytime soon.

All my instincts wanted to run to the hospital, but my Mother insisted on me staying at home, stating that there was nothing for me to do there, and he wouldn't even know that I was there, and that if anything changed, she would call me right away. The thought did occur that if I were to go, I would be sitting in some sort of waiting room with her, and I seriously would probably want to gouge my eyes out, or hers, so I took advice and stayed.

IMMEDIATELY, I found myself standing in front of my kitchen pantry. I was scanning all the shelves for ANYTHING. The good part of this whole post, is I caught myself. I literally just ate lunch with the kids, so I wasn't hungry. And also, I haven't been buying a whole lot of "comfort" or "junk" food so there was really nothing to binge on.

I am however, eating some Wheat Thins, as I write this with a crisp glass of Riesling, only because I feel that I am more than deserved.

As of this moment, my Dad is still in ICU, but the Nurses are seeing some progress. So, I am okay for now, and I do believe that he will be much better in the morning.

I do plan on going first thing to see him. I cannot stay all day because my Husbands' Uncle died, and the funeral is tomorrow. I really don't know this Uncle all that well, so I am staying behind to watch all of the kids, so tomorrow should really chalk up to a fun day. I am not sure if you can read my sarcasm in that last sentence.

I guess what I wanted to post tonight, is that I am starting to see where I am using food to stuff myself for all the wrong reasons. I had a lot of nervous energy today, and I kept going back to the pantry or fridge, and I did notice that I was doing it. I guess I am starting to change. I think before this process, I never really would have notice that before.

I hope all your weekends are going to be better, and thank you everybody for your support! (Basically, thanks for making me sane!)

I received a new badge today!

2008-12-03T22:47:00.000-08:00

Hey y'all.

I was awarded a new badge today. I was asked to be a top health blogger for Wellsphere. Please check out the site. I am very honored to do this for the site and hope that I can continue to help others who may be going through this weight loss journey with me.

If you haven't already, please take a moment to check it out. Its a pretty cool website.

I have other things to say, I had a very busy today, and its almost 2 am in Michigan, so I will have to post tomorrow.

Christmas Tree-- Tag Your It!

2008-12-01T11:41:00.001-08:00

I finally got a chance to put up the Christmas tree this weekend. I love to decorate it, but I hate putting it up. I have an "old fashioned" kind that I have to put together branch by branch and then I have to put on the lights myself, and I have to get on a ladder and so on... I would get a new pre-lit one, but Hubby wont let me since we spent over $500 for this one, before pre-lits existed.

It really is a good tree, just tiring. I get really crabby when I put it together. But my mood turns when it is time to decorate it. I literally have been working on it since Friday, and now it is finally done. I love love love all trees! I would love to have a second tree for the basement, but again, Hubby put the kabash on that as well. We will see next year, I would like to put all of the kids ornaments on that one. I did put little ones in the kiddies rooms though.....

To celebrate I have posted a picture. I absolutely love love love Christmas trees, and I am tagging all of you to post yours. Please send me a message when you posted so I can take a gander.

EVERYONE WHO READS THIS POST IS TAGGED!!!!!

Leftovers.....

2008-12-01T10:43:00.000-08:00

Well this post is going to be about several things, so I didn't know what else to call it. I thought leftovers would be appropriate since we are all dealing with those. (leftovers) . I am trying to find humor here....okay?

I have gained 5 pounds in one week! It is really an unbearable thought, but in the scheme of things, I thought the gain would be worse. I mean, the way I was scarfing down last week, I could gain five pounds just a lone on Thanksgiving day. I hope everyone had a wonderful thanksgiving and shared it with the ones that you love. I sure as hell did! A little too much. You know I have been thinking a lot about it too, and I love Thanksgiving and I really don't regret "pigging" out on that day. Its all the other days in between that I am sorry for. I think this is the time when all of us girls (or men) with weight issues tend to spiral out of control with eating. I mean c'mon people, it is so easy to do! I am not crying over my gained weight, I just am working hard this week to get it back down to where it was pre-thanksgiving. I am actually surprised it wasn't more than 5 pounds! Oh yeah, and I am not going to change my ticker to show my gain, because I feel it is only temporary, but if for some reason it is not all gone by next week, I promise to adjust it accordingly.

I did get on my treadmill last week twice, which was a good thing. My body wasn't feeling good, and I felt so lethargic and bloated, that I knew I needed to move. It was such an amazing thing. Immediately after my walking/running on the "mill" I felt a million times better than before. Just a new reminder of the benefits of exercising, or in my food coma case last week, just to move around.

At work this weekend I finally got to watch a couple of episodes of Ruby. I love her! She is amazing! I just wish I got that channel at home so I could dvr the episodes, I think she is wonderful and I look forward to her success!

I am so so sorry that Amy C. got voted off on the Biggest Loser, but I am so happy of the woman she has become, she looks amazing! I am so proud of her! I hope she will come in and visit me soon because I have the biggest hug here waiting for here, (in case she is reading......) thank you Amy for letting me into your life on tv, going through a personal journey (as well as the rest of America) and being such an inspirational person. You look amazing and I can tell that you feel amazing! I know that you are a good person, but I did join the "I hate Vicky from the Biggest loser" Group on Facebook, just because I know you can't or wont, because you are good person! Congrats on your success!

I am changing my weigh in days to Mondays. I have decided that it should keep me in better check on the weekends.

and lastly:

My goals for this week are simple. I am going to eat right, drink a ton of water (try and flush out those mashed potatoes, gravy, ham, pumpkin pie, and my famous pumpkin Carmel cake), and I promised myself to exercise everyday this week to get back on track. I went to the gym this morning, and after a week away, it wasn't easy. But I did it.

You know, we all have events, or special days and holidays in our lives. And they are not going away. I want to live them. I feel that it is okay to do so, it is what we choose to do after those said holidays or events, that will change our lives. We are not perfect, and even skinny people are not perfect, we just can't beat ourselves up about it.

I mean, even though I gained five pounds this week, I am actually in a good mood today. I realized at the gym this morning, when I was thinking to myself, good job for me, this time last year, I never would even come close to a gym. Even though I spiraled out of control most of all of last week, I still got up and went this morning. That is so huge for me. Old Mandy would make a million and one excuses not to go and would of ate her way well into 2009.

I am fighting for myself and I am not giving up. I am in this. I am going to win.

Week 6 Weigh In

2008-11-22T10:53:00.000-08:00

Yikes! What a frickin week I have had. The good news is, I stayed the same. The bad news is, I stayed the same. I am actually surprised that I even stayed the same. Last Saturday I was having a slow, boring bad day at work and purposely went to Taco Bell on my way home. I didn't have to take the roads home that led right by the Taco Bell. But, I chose to. Its so weird, I like got in my car and was like "I am eating Taco Bell tonight" and that was it. My decision was final.

Well, normally that would be okay, but it just sent me into a mental downward spiral, and with both of my kids sick, it seemed that ordering out and "taking in" was much easier than preparing meals at home. I did try to eat better for most of the days, but every day was different. I did go to the gym 3 days this week, and yesterday, I tried to do a little more at the gym to sweat some of this nonsense eating off.

Its weird with me ya know, either I am all into my "diet" or I'm all out. Why can't I be both?

Why do I punish myself for eating something bad one day?

Why can't I just move on from that?

Well, I am going to move on, because this journey thus far, has been good. And for once in my life I feel like I am finally getting somewhere. I am looking better and feeling better, and I am fitting into pants I haven't fit into in a long time.

So I am not about to give up now.

You Lose, You Win: Amy Cremen

2008-11-21T04:42:00.000-08:00

I posted an article from Women's Health for all of you......

We go behind the scenes of our favorite reality show for some slimspiration
Weight before 239

Vitals Amy Cremen, 27, Royal Oak, MI

Occupation Cosmetology student

Height 5'5"Weight after 10 weeks 173

Lesson learned "Food is your fuel. You need it to power your body and keep your metabolism going. I find the best way to do that is to eat small amounts four to six times a day."

Secret weapon "Having my mom there to support me every step of the way. And when things got really hard, I was glad that sugar-free Jell-O pudding and fat-free Cool Whip were always there for me too!"

The Gain Amy Cremen grew up in a family that ate rich, fatty meals together--and continually failed to lose weight. "My mom, my friends, and I had 'Monday Diets,'" Cremen says. "We'd start a new one after a weekend of bingeing, and by Friday we'd be off it." Cremen graduated from high school weighing 195 pounds, and she vowed never to reach 200. She broke her promise just months later. Thanks to more short-lived diets, Cremen's weight yo-yoed until 2006, when her busy schedule sent her to the drive-thru for three meals a day. In nine months, she put on 40 pounds. "I gained so much so fast, I outgrew everything in my closet practically overnight," she says. Unable to stand for long periods without pain and swelling in her feet, she says, "I just wanted to stay in my apartment alone. I was embarrassed, and I was exhausted."

The Change In March 2008, Cremen's mother, Shellay, went to an open call for The Biggest Loser in Sterling Heights, Michigan. When she flashed a family photo, the casting directors invited her to a second audition--on the condition that she bring her daughter. Cremen ran through every excuse she could think of before relenting. "My mom thought that doing the show together would bring us closer. Losing weight was something we always tried to do together, but this time we wanted to keep it off!"

The Lifestyle In May the Cremens learned that they'd be one of nine teams on the show's seventh season. "I knew if I couldn't do it for TV, I'd never do it at all," Cremen says. She and Shellay were flown to King Gillette Ranch, near Beverly Hills, where they were secluded for the summer during taping. They threw themselves into the competition, working out for six to eight hours a day under the supervision of trainers Bob Harper and Jillian Michaels. "Our first day in the gym was a shock," Cremen recalls. "I couldn't even hold myself up for a 10-second wall squat." During that brutal first week, Cremen felt like quitting. "But I remembered that I was there for a reason, so I continued to give it my all," she says. Before long, she could tolerate the workouts and was amazed when she started looking forward to them. "Now I feel a sense of accomplishment every time I finish one," she says. With her favorite vices--Oreos, Mountain Dew, and fast food--forbidden at the ranch, Cremen learned to count calories (she was limited to about 1,200 a day, says Cheryl Forberg, R.D., the show's nutritionist) and to cook healthy meals. "One of my favorites is lean ground turkey, brown rice, and salsa. It's easy, and one cup has only about 200 calories," Cremen says. "I've learned that there is life outside of fast food." Since returning home, Cremen has been working out for two to four hours per day, including one hour of cardio. "Spinning is by far my favorite exercise," she says. She and Shellay, who lost more than 27 pounds, also work out three times a week with their personal trainer.

The Reward Cremen and her mom will appear on a live edition of the show December 16 for their final weigh-in and a shot at a cash prize. But for Cremen, victory is in her ability to enjoy life. "I try to focus on positive things now," she says. "I don't need food to make me happy. I spend more time with my friends and family doing healthy things."

AMy's Tips

Eat strategically. "Have your biggest meal before you work out so you have energy to exercise--and the rest of the day to burn the calories." Be goal-oriented. "Concentrating on the result you're after will make an hour of pain at the gym totally worth it." Experiment. "I add chopped apples and cinnamon to fat-free organic Greek yogurt--it tastes awesome."

More from Amy...

Why did it take five seasons for a woman to win? It’s just generally easier for men to lose weight. Not as far as desire or drive, but just because of the way women’s bodies hold on to fat. Women tend to have a higher percentage of body fat, so they have to work harder to lose the pounds. But that can actually be a comfort—when we don’t see progress, it doesn’t mean we’re doing anything wrong or not putting effort in.

Do you worry about gaining back some of the lost pounds?Maintaining is the easy part! I’m committed to building my body up instead of tearing it down. I still love to eat. But now I count every calorie and try to get as much satisfaction as I can without going over 1,200 per day. I have a philosophy: If I can’t taste it, I don’t waste it. I won’t put cheese on a sandwich if it’s not going to really affect the flavor.

Do you still do grueling workouts?I go to the gym at least five days a week, and I hike or swim outside once a week. That’s my relaxing time. I’ll never, ever, ever take three days off from the gym. I went to the gym the other day and ran for only 20 minutes. But I still went to the gym.

What’s the best workout for fast results?Whenever Bob and Jillian thought someone on the show was in trouble, I noticed they’d put them on the stairmill. I do 20 to 30 minutes on that, then switch to the rowing machine for 10 more to keep from getting bored.

How do you stick with it day in and day out? Any advice?If you start making excuses not to exercise, that’s a reason to change your routine—it’s not a reason to stop working out. Even trainers have trainers, so consider investing in one. Healthy people choose to be healthy. They set themselves up to win.

Last updated: November 18, 2008 Issue date: December 2008

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/weight-loss/weight-loss-success-story-13

Biggest Loser and Taco Bell

2008-11-19T04:51:00.000-08:00

I am sorry that I have not been on here but I have been busy with 2 sick little kiddies, and the baby now is really sick. She has a fever and wheezing, and all she wants me to do is hold her, and I haven't been sleeping well with them being sick, to say the least.

I just wanted to let you all know that I was just as shocked as anybody that my girl Amy C. didn't vote the evil witch out.

But, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, since I actually know her.

She posted on her Facebook status this morning something interesting that I wanted to share with you all.

She posted: Amy C. is telling everyone that YOU DO NOT see everything on TV. there are manipulative people in TV land.

I would like to think that there is something that went on, on last nights episode that we all didn't see.

As for my personal journey, I am doing just okay. I am trying my hardest to come back from an episode on Saturday with Taco Bell. (really more mental sabotage then physical) More to come on that when I have time. Taco Bell is my arch nemesis.

I hope everyone is well, I haven't had time to read blogs, but I will get to them as soon as I can find some extra time.

Week 5 Weigh In

2008-11-13T05:05:00.000-08:00

I lost a pound. Normally I wouldn't be excited with only one pound, but this morning I am glad fully accepting it and moving on. Yesterday morning, my period came, which I was happy about because I am not ready physically to add to my family. Since yesterday morning, I have been suffering from major cramps and bloating. I didn't even want to weigh in and post this morning. But I want this blog to be completely honest and want it be true to my life, so I told myself, I would be happy with whatever the scale said. I was actually happy to see a loss! I think that is what is so cool about blogging with all of you. At a WW meeting or JC meeting or whatever thing I have done in the past, I would have felt that 1 pound was not enough or someone would of made me feel bad. Now that I can see that there is a consistent cycle that my body naturally goes through, (like during TOM) it helps me. Some people like L think I should only weigh in once a month, but I think I need to see every week for now.

The P.T was great and I had a wonderful time with her and got a great workout. She showed me some great new machines, and took me out of my "comfort zone" area which is an area in the gym where there is a circuit, that I guess is more along the lines of what you would find at a Curves. I have been doing that circuit since I started, its not really in the heart of the gym and its in its own special place.

She already knew what I was doing by being observant, and that really impressed me. She showed me some things that I never thought I could or would do. She wrote everything down so I can continue on. She did show me some prices, and for this time of year, they are way too expensive for me, but I will see if there are any training specials after the first of the year, from what I hear from other ladies, they usually offer some.

All in all, I am very happy. I have managed to turn my life around in 5 weeks. I have lost 21 pounds! I notice that I am not as out of breath when I walk upstairs in my house. My feet and knees do not hurt as much when I wake up. 21 pounds ago, I would wake up in the middle of the night and I could barely walk the two feet to my toilet because of all the aches in my feet. What a difference 21 pounds has made on my joints!

I already know what goal I am setting for this next week: TO STOP CHECKING THE SCALE EVERYDAY! I am going to have Hubby lock it up!

P.T.

2008-11-12T04:34:00.000-08:00

I have a session this morning with a personal trainer at the gym. I get one hour free, so I decided to take it now. I feel more comfortable at the gym, and I am getting more physically stronger. I wanted to see what she feels that I should be doing, and I really wanted her professional opinion. I am a little nervous, I am not going to lie. She seems really nice, not like a fake nice, like a real nice. That is why I asked her. She is one of the only trainers at the gym that started to talk to me here and there and say "Hi". It meant a lot to me. I mean lets face it, a lot of skinny hot trainers, walk right past you like they are better than you. But not this one. I of course can't afford her probably, but I will see. It would be nice to meet with her throughout my journey.

I will have to post after what it was like.

As for the Biggest Loser. I for one knew Amy C. had it in her from the beginning, and I was damn proud of her last night. My husband and I were actually screaming that I woke the baby up. She actually brought tears to my eyes at what she had did! I swear I want to hug her so bad for starting to get rid of the evil on that show. I couldn't stand how they were treating Phil. As for being a parent myself, Phil and Amy P. are exactly the kind of people I can relate to. And what Phil said to Allison at the weigh in, I was so proud of him. I didn't feed into the drama, even though later, he should of just knocked Brady out. And I felt bad for Amy P. for letting Vicky get to her, I would of knocked Vicky's ass out. (she doesn't strike me as a Mom, I forget all of the time that she is one) She is pure evil, and I feel what comes around goes around, and bravo to my dear Amy C. who hopefully knew all along who the good people are on that show!

Slight Changes

2008-11-11T05:23:00.000-08:00

I noticed a slight change in me yesterday. I noticed that my cheek bones are starting to appear.( I will take a more accurate picture when I hit a 25 pound loss.) I haven't gone to get my eyebrows waxed in over a month, (I could go more than once a month, but I never can seem to find the time) so Lola, my waxer girl, totally noticed I looked different. I think someone who studies your face up close notices these things. She said my face looked thinner. My husband said the same thing, that my cheek bones are starting to emerge from my ever bloated face.

When I left the salon, I felt so nice. A stranger actually noticed.

Later last night, I was getting ready for my son's soccer banquet. I totally noticed something else different in me. I was actually enjoying getting ready. I remember last years banquet. I didn't want to go, I didn't know what to wear, I was grumpy, I hated everything about the banquet and complained the whole night.

Last night, I had fun getting ready, I didn't mind picking something out of the closet to wear, I didn't complain that I was there, I had fun with my friends, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I am not sure if you can see a difference from 07 to 08, I really haven't lost that much weight, (I think the only changes are in Jakob looking a year older) , I think something looks different. Maybe its just my self esteem.

Here are the pictures:

Here is last year's banquet:

Here was last nights:

What a difference just a measly 20 pounds can make.

Snow Flurries? Yuck!

2008-11-10T05:11:00.000-08:00

I did see a couple of them this morning, but low and behold, there are snow flurries flying around this morning. I have a little bit of time to post, since I have to drive my son to school. Normally when he takes the bus, we are outside about 8:25 am and school doesn't start until 9:00 am, since the school is only about 10 minutes driving, I have some extra time. He had to disguise a turkey for homework and we went through all different kinds of options, and he wanted to disguise it as a peacock all on his own, so we did it together. He colored it really good. A part of me was like "oh, I will color his face" but he wanted to, and he surprised me at how good he colored in the lines. I misjudged his ability.

So how was your weekend? Mine was just okay. We had to work a lot this weekend, and as I posted before, I was fighting a cold. I also should of started my period, I have been PMSing, but there is no period, so now I am a little freaking out. I have just begun to get my life back in order, and well, now this? Well I am not going to think that way. I think that the new diet and exercise is making things different in that area, right? I mean, I feel like I am going to start any minute.

Its weird, I cannot wait to get to the gym. I feel like I can't wait to go, and after a lazy weekend. I am ready to get moving. I feel good! My feet and knees don't hurt as much when I wake up. I mean they have 20 pounds less on them! I did pretty good eating wise, I did have like 2 small slip ups, but I am really not going to fret over it. Its called life and its not perfect and I need to just focus on all of the good stuff.

I do however have the problem of getting the damn scale out and checking every morning. I am trying not to do it, but its sitting in the laundry room calling my name........ I know, I know, its just so hard!

I am looking forward to another successful week. This week, I am going to work on my water intake. What are you going to be working on?

Me no feel so good...

2008-11-08T11:27:00.000-08:00

I am fighting a cold, I am trying everything in my power to fight it. I hope I will be victorious. Also, my TOM is coming, I am starting to feel it. I am going to to try to take it easy today and nurse myself. I really, really do not want to be sick!

I hope all my fellow bloggers have a wonderful weekend and stay on track!

Week 4 Weigh in.. 20 Pounds Gone Forever.....

2008-11-06T04:38:00.001-08:00

Weighed myself this morning and am glad to announce that I am down 2 pounds. I am very happy with that. After having a discouraging loss last week and then having Halloween after that, it was really hard to stay 100% focused. On Monday I just started back again, and look, it paid off!

The most exciting thing is that this is my fourth weigh in, and I have lost a total of 20 pounds! I cannot even believe it! I have never been more motivated in my life. I am starting to feel better when I wake up, and although food is constantly on my mind, I am not thinking about it as much as I did in the beginning!

I am posting a pic of me, I am dressed up for Halloween. After looking at my pictures, I wanted to point out to everyone, that normally I don't even take a picture with them. This time I took a picture, but I used them as shields to cover myself. I am hoping that next Halloween, I wont have to hide.

Butter or Margarine?

2008-11-05T15:24:00.000-08:00

I am not a very political person, but I am however, having our very own debate in my very own house.

BUTTER OR MARGARINE?

Well I have been a Country Crock girl for well as long as I can remember. When I got married, I just continued on with it. My MIL used to like I can't believe its not butter, but I threw it up one time when I was pregnant with Jakob, so now I can't even look at it. Okay, now I am getting off track.

So now that I am trying to make positive changes in my life and my families, I was starting to wonder if that Country Crock was any good for us. I thought I remembered back in my head that Dr. Oz was saying something that it wasn't good for us, but I couldn't remember exactly. So I asked my friend L. She said the margarine was one molecule away from plastic and that our bodies do not know what to do with it, so it stores somewhere in our body and builds up. She said that it was better to use butter.

Well, my MIL disagrees and says that butter will kill us all and margarine is the only way to go.

I am not sure.

What do you think or know?

Happy Anniversary!

2008-11-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

Today is my 7th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it's been 7 years. It has been amazing, and I am so proud of the 2 children that we already have together, and excited for more to come.
I wanted to thank all that have supported me in my journey thus far. After such an discouraging weigh in, and various birthday and Halloween parties, I didn't have the best eating weekend. I didn't exactly try my best, but I could have done worse damage to myself. At every single party there was pizza, cake and candy. I ate pizza at every one, but not the usual 4 slices. I did try the cake at one of the parties(partly because I made the cake), but didn't finish the whole piece. I mean, I have to learn to deal with these situations, but already feeling slightly defeated going into it, I gave in more than I should have.

I was still feeling down, but yesterday my husband told me that my stomach looked like it has gone down some. And I feel it too.

So today starts a new week, and after a not so good eating weekend, I am ready to get back into the swing of things, and that starts with the gym this morning. I do plan however to go out to dinner tonight, and I will try and plan for this, so I will consciously make better eating choices throughout the day.

I thought I should end with some wedding pictures, since it was 7 years today that I married my best friend. Also, I was about 100 lighters in these pictures, so enjoy!

Week 3 Weigh In

2008-10-30T04:53:00.000-07:00

Wow! I'm a little shocked. I only went down .5 of a pound this week. I'm pretty frustrated. I feel like a girl my size should still be losing a lot more. The problem that I am having is that I was very good this week, in eating and exercising. I mean, I haven't even once been tempted by any Halloween candy or anything. Its a little disheartening.

I am going to try to stay positive. I am hoping this is only that "plateau" I hear about, because I lost so much at the beginning.

I'm not going to lie, I am a little upset.

Wednesdays....

2008-10-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

I know I posted something about this before, but on Wednesday's, L doesn't go to the gym because she volunteers at the school. But what I didn't tell all of you is that I made a new friend. S and I met at Karate (our sons are in the same class). We talk every Wednesday (at the dojo) for the hour that we are there, and made the connection that we belong to the same gym.

So now she is going to the gym on the same days as I. What is so nice is that on a day like today, we were together, versus me being alone. We seem to get along, seem to have the same sarcastic personality, and I hope we can make a nice friendship. Its weird though, If 2 months ago, someone told me that I would be joining the gym with my neighbor (L) and meeting new people (J and now S) and going with them, I would never believe such a thing. I am so way out of my comfort zone, its unreal.

What I am trying to learn is that, every time I am at the gym, I am only helping myself. Even though I hate the weight machines, and I am convinced they are complete and utter torture, I feel so good about myself when I leave.

I always hated exercise. But now things seem different. I don't dread going to the gym, and I love the feeling that I have when I am done. Every single time I drive home, I pass all my usuals, like Taco Bell, Burger King, Dunkin Donuts, and I always smile to myself and say, "goodbye, see-ya, I don't give a shit about you".

For once in my life I am feeling like I am worth something, I am starting to actually believe in myself.

Okay, Okay, Ive been tagged too.....

2008-10-28T12:04:00.000-07:00

You might have been tagged also, but I will go through with this one. I have been tagged by Losing Weight and Finding myself, Seashore, and butterfly for this meme. I did almost this same meme back in March, but for the sake of new comers, I am doing it again.

6 interesting things about me.

1. I have an ice obsession. I chew ice all the time. I have been doing it since I was a child. I prefer crushed ice. When I am pregnant, I have been known to get up in the middle of the night to chew ice. I have been told everything from I have low iron to not having enough sex. I am not sure what the fascination is, but I just plain love ice. However, not everyone around me shares my joy, so I mostly have to do it when I am alone.

2. I am deathly afraid of spiders. I know this is a common fear among people. But I can't stand them. I actually have nightmares about them. I even hate spider webs. I cannot kill a spider or even suck one up. If one is killed, it cannot be thrown away, it must be flushed down the toilet. I will not suck them up for fear of them reproducing in my vacuum. If I am alone, I will spray the spider with hairspray (it makes all their legs stick and they can't move) and throw something on top of it until someone comes home that can save me. Every single night, before bed, I do a "spider check". I do it in my room, my kids rooms, the TV room, just to make sure there are none. I can spot a spider anywhere. My husband always says, "how did you spot that one?", I just did, I have a weird keen spidey sense. Everybody that is close to me, understands my fear, and luckily pretty much nobody gives me a hard time about it.

3. I can read a book in one night. Not much more to elaborate on this subject. I am just a fast reader and have the ability to retain a lot of useless information. I thought it was weird, until I met my birth mom, and she too has the same super power. Very cool to learn that.

4. I have trichotillomania. I have a mild case of this disease, but I still do suffer from it. I have been better, but it is totally because I am mental. Trichotillomania is where you pull all your hair out. Extreme cases, is where you pull out any hair, like eyebrows, lashes, arm hair, etc. I do pull out my hair. I find I do this more when I am stressed or bored. (my husband hates vacuuming my car). I mostly pull out just the "bad ones". Its very strange and weird.

5. I suffer from RLS. I have restless leg syndrome. I call it the "jimmy leg". I have had it since I was a kid, and nobody could ever diagnose it until recently. It is a serious uncomfortable problem and mostly effects me when I have been on my feet all day.

6. I can fall asleep anywhere. Some find it weird, I find it interesting. I can go to sleep anywhere at anytime. A desk, a car, a plane, a dentist chair, the ice cream shop, anywhere, I can make comfy and take a nap.

Well there you go, there is at least 6 interesting things about me. In fact, when I write them all down, I just feel sorry for my husband. Not only am I a real weirdo, I'm sort of a head case as well. I am not going to tag anyone in particular, I think the majority of us have already been tagged.

Hope you have a wonderful Tuesday, and don't forget to watch the Biggest Loser tonight! I am rooting for my girl Amy C. And Amy if you read this today, I love you and am rooting for you girl!

Oh yeah, I wanted to add something: This past weekend we had the Spooktacular in my hometown, where our business is. All the local downtown businesses pass out candy to kids for 2 hours. I wanted to post my kids. (because I love them, and I like to brag)

Here is Jakob:

"Its a me.......Mario" (I did the best I could to make him Mario)

Here is Adriana complaining because she hated the mouse ears.

She didn't notice

2008-10-28T11:46:00.000-07:00

My MIL came home from Europe last night, which is why I am late on my posting. I had to get the house back to normal, and plus we had a house full of company last night, and I am sure more are coming tonight, which is why I opted to open the store this morning.

The whole entire 3 weeks that I have been changing myself, I have been thinking to myself, "My MIL is gonna come home and notice there is something different about me". Sunday night I asked Hubby if he thought she would notice anything different, and he was like "of course, how could she not see it in your face that you lost weight".

Well, she didn't notice a thing. Not that I am too surprised, but I thought my face being a little thinner would be more noticeable to people. I know it only has been three weeks, but a small handful amount of people have asked me if I was losing weight, which is because my face is where I lose it first, (second my boobs, which is why husband noticed).

Besides the few amount of people in my life that I have let in, I haven't told a soul about this new adventure. (oh and of course except for blog land) I guess you could say I have been keeping this to myself. I feel it is nobody else's business what I am doing. I guess I am waiting for somebody to notice where I can nonchalantly shrug my shoulders and say, "yeah I lost some weight".

I just hate it when people watch every bite I take or watch every move wondering if I'm cheating or not. I wont be able to handle my mother calling me every week to ask "so how much did you loose?" and I don't want to hear her disappointment when I don't.

Maybe I am being weird? I don't want my close family or friends to know. Its none of their business, and I don't want their unsolicited advice. I am not doing it for them, I am doing it for me.

Was it wrong of me to get upset that my MIL didn't notice anything new with me?

Is anyone else keeping their journey a secret?

Friday Food Product Review-Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers

2008-10-24T12:20:00.000-07:00

Wow! Today you will all get a bonus post. This is something I have been wanting to start. I would like to share my thoughts on various food products that I try, and I will try to post one every Friday. Being a Mom and one that owns a business as well, I am always looking and trying to find new things to make for dinner or lunch that are easy and delicious.

Shopping last week, Hubby came across the Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers. I guess he seen a commercial on TV about them. I had never heard of them. They were in the packaged meal aisle like where you would find Marconi and cheese.

I bought two different kinds, and have tried both of them.

The first day I tried the Ziti and Meat Sauce. My first impression of it, was that it was confusing. I had to read the instructions like 5 times before I understood what I was supposed to do. The first part was add water to the noodles and then microwave them. There was meat in the sauce, and that was in a different section, that was to be microwaved for 30 seconds after, and mixed with the noodles. I was thinking to myself "how is this fresh?" The only part that maybe fresh would be the noodles.

It was just okay, I wouldn't buy it again. The worst part is, I kept thinking how much plastic they wasted to make this and how bad that is for the environment.

A few days ago, I brought the second one, Sesame Terriayki Chicken to work. This one was different as it was a rice dish. You did the same thing, fill the one bowl up with water, zap it, and then add the warmed sauce after. The chicken tasted like ass, I couldn't even eat it. I took all the chicken pieces out, and then ate the rest.

Just as the Ziti, I didn't find anything "fresh" about it, and I was starving at work even after I ate the Terriayki.

I wouldn't recommend these at all. I think they are a big waste of plastic and they are confusing to make, and they don't even taste good. Your better off in the freezer aisle grabbing one of their frozen meals.

I give this product a big fat goose egg- a big Zero!

Let me know if my review was helpful to you. I love to hear feedback.

Comfortable

2008-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

MyHotComments

It is Friday once again, and I have officially finished my first full workout week. What a great week it has been. I for one, have accomplished a 4-day work out week, something I haven't accomplished in years. Also, I accomplished a good eating week and a loss on the scale. Also, I had a huge NSV last night.

The Friday before I started my new "lifestyle", I bought a simple red long sleeved tee from Target, in the largest size Target makes. Normally I wouldn't have a problem fitting into this particular size. When I got home, I tried on the shirt, and to my dismay, it didn't fit. I was so upset. I wouldn't even fit on my fat arms!

Last night, I was getting ready to go to a school function for Jakob, and I had nothing to wear (because I haven't had time to catch up Laundry), I pulled out the red shirt, laughing thinking in my head "Oh yeah like this will fit, I should just throw this shit in the garbage". Amazingly, the shirt did fit, and I didn't look at all half bad in it. Which is always the goal, right?

As the week is ending, I am finding something within myself that I haven't felt in a long time, and that is comfortable. I was thinking today of how many things I am more comfortable in.

Here they are:

I am feeling more and more comfortable going to the gym.
I am getting more comfortable using the machines at the gym.
I feel more comfortable in my jeans/pants
My wedding band/engagement rings are more comfortable.
My seat belt is more comfortable when I am driving.
My bra/underwear is more comfortable.
I am getting more comfortable with my friends (especially L)
I am getting more comfortable making healthier eating choices.

and most of all...

I am getting more comfortable just being me.

Think about it, what things are more comfortable in your life since you started your journey, you may just be surprised.

Week 2 Weigh In.................

2008-10-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

Drum roll please...................

I am down 5.1 this week! I cannot even believe it! That puts me at a 17.5 total loss! I cannot believe how I turned it around in just under a month. I started my new program on October 6th, so next Monday will be 3 weeks in! I haven't been on any particular program, I have done every single one there is in the past.

I have decided to cut fat and calories as much as possible, gave up pop, fast food, ice cream, cakes, movie theater popcorn. I have been trying not to eat a lot of "processed" type of food.

I have been eating a whole wheat english muffin with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter every single morning.

I snack on yogurt, fruit, sugar free jello or low fat crackers with hummus.

For lunch I have been eating a turkey sandwich, a salad or low fat soup. On days I go to work I will bring a frozen lean cuisine.

For Dinner, I have been trying to make a lower fat dinner, chicken with rice and veggies, or a pasta with whole wheat pasta, I have tried to make changes with dinner, but at the same time make something that the whole family is eating. In the past I have always made a separate dinner from them, and then I want to eat what I made for them, and in turn I fail. If I am cooking something that is not all that healthy, I am still eating it, just not as much as before. Also on those nights, I will eat a salad first so that way I get full on the better stuff.

I have switched our family to organic milk and wheat bread. I have been exercising a minimum of 3 days a week.

I haven't been counting points, calories or fat grams. I am just being careful. I am sure when the weight starts to plateau, I will have to be more aware of these things, but I think at this point, I am such a big girl, that just these changes are successful.

I guess the bottom line is, I am not on a "diet". I am on my way to a lifestyle change. Which is my ultimate goal, and if my family gets used to it on the way, then I will be even more successful. My other goal was not to let my kids be a processed food junkie like me or my husband. If I can accomplish this, than I will be beyond successful.

What changes have you made in your lifestyle lately?

3rd day at the gym

2008-10-22T09:39:00.001-07:00

So today was my third day working out at the gym. I must be honest when I say, I was very hesitant to go this morning. L, my friend, isn't going on Wednesdays because she volunteers at our school. I knew this going into the program, but I promised myself that I would come M, W and F, because T and TH I work at the store.

When I woke up this morning, I really felt that I didn't want to go. I started to make excuses in my head. Yesterday I walked on the treadmill at home before work, so I was thinking in my head that would make up for today, on so on.

I did make a new friend at the gym and she (J) and L are good friends. I only met her briefly and haven't really talked to her a whole lot. I guess she has lost over 125 pounds with lap band procedure and started the gym a year ago, and told L to come, and in turn L told me to come, and you get the picture.

On Monday, after sensing my insecurity on doing certain machines, J said something to me that stuck in my head this morning. She said that when you are at the gym each and every time you should make the most of it. Anything that you do here in this gym is only helping yourself. You are only here for yourself and nobody else here. If you don't try things, you will never know what you can be capable of doing.

She is so right. So I got Adriana ready and we went to the gym, I dropped her off at the daycare and headed towards the locker room, just when I heard someone say "Hi Mandy", I turned to see J walking in at the same time, and she reached and gave me a hug. She said "I am so glad to see you here, I was afraid you weren't going to show up".

She went on to a class, and I worked on the treadmill, bike and elliptical, and the whole time thinking, she totally didn't think I was gonna come, she must of sensed my insecurity on Monday. After the workout, at home, Hubby was in the kitchen, and turned to me and said "I am so proud of you Honey, I really didn't think you were gonna go this morning without L being there".

Wow! People totally thought they had me figured out, but the truth is, they weren't far from the truth. I almost didn't go. But this time is so different from all the dozen before. Something has changed inside me that I cannot explain. I am not going back to the old way of being lazy and eating bad, I hate it, and I know that I like this way better. Its not easy, but this is 7 years of fat hanging onto my body and its not going away without a fight.

****************************************
In another note, I don't want to beat a dead horse to death, but I am extremely disappointed in last nights Biggest Loser. What horrible bitches Vicky and Heba turned out to be. I know its all over blog land, so I wont go on about it, but you can read more about last nights upsetting episode at these blogs: Fat Bridesmaid, I can see it in your face, and Anything but ordinary.

****************************************

Tomorrow is my weigh in. I am excited to see what it is. I have been tempted all week to way myself, but Hubby put the scale in his trunk.

Have a great Wednesday!

Okay, now I am pissed.....

2008-10-21T07:23:00.000-07:00

I am a little pissed off right now. I know that I only have been trying to break my bad habits of move onto more natural organic food. So I have been eating yogurt for like two weeks now, and I like NEVER buy yogurt. I have grown to love the Yoplait Light Fat free, and even has my husband, kids, etc. I was reading Diana's Body Journey this morning, and she was mentioning how many yogurts and other foods have HFCS in them. Then I am like, what the hell is HFCS, so I pull out my yogurt. So I start reading the ingredients: Cultured Pasteurized Grade A Non Fat milk, (okay) Blueberries (okay, very good) High Fructose Corn Syrup (what! oh that's what HFCS stands for!) Okay now I am like WTF! I thought I was eating something that is good for me and my body and my families body. What else am I eating that they decided to sneak in HFCS.

Okay, now I am pissed.

Will I ever stop thinking about food?

2008-10-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

I had a busy weekend, which was no surprise to me. I have been enjoying my weekends so much, partially because my mother in law has been in Europe. Not that I don't mind having her around. I just like having the house all to myself. Usually on any given weekend she is home.

I went to a baby shower yesterday, which was okay, the food kind of sucked. It was at an Middle Eastern restaurant, which I love middle eastern food, but the food that they ordered, was more american-ized, so I thought it sucked. It was more what I call "hall" food. As some of you already know, my husband has a huge family, so I go to a function like this all the time. So I am ever so sick of "hall" food.

While we were waiting there, sitting at the table, there was a huge platter of Hummus, and lots of pita bread, cheeses and pickled veggies, etc. I was starving, and so was my SIL Susie, (recap-Susie is like a sister to me and one of my best friends, and she as well as I, has a weight problem) We also sat at the table with my other SIL, Denise, (who does not have a weight problem) and my 2 nieces, one of Bob's Aunt's, and her daughter (Bobs cousin). (whom also do not at all have weight problems). All I kept thinking about was food. I wanted to scarf up the whole platter of hummus. Don't mistake what I am about to write, I didn't sit back and chill, I gave into the temptation and ate some hummus and bread. Not that it wasn't healthy for me, I just didn't need to eat it.

This is when I began to notice, just me and Susie are helping ourselves to Hummus, and nobody else at the table. They all said it would give them bad breath. So when the food came, salad, pasta, chicken, green beans and potatoes, I looked over at the cousin sitting next to me (who is a bean pole) she had like 2 pasta noodles on her plate, 1/2 piece of chicken 1 piece of potato and some green beans. What the hell is that? Is this really how skinny people live?

There is a post that Dancingsweetpea, posted last week that has had me thinking all weekend long. When will I stop thinking about food? Just as she had said, it seems minute by minute I am consumed with thoughts of food. I think about, what I will be eating next, at what time, what should I make for dinner, or I wonder what I will make tomorrow for dinner, and when I am done eating dinner, I actually feel sad because I know I won't be eating again until morning. Why am I so obsessed? I literally have to keep myself busy throughout the day, so that I don't even open the fridge.

Will this ever go away? The whole frickin baby shower, was food thought consumed. This just doesn't seem normal to me.

On a different note, I survived my second day at the gym. Feels good. Feels really good to accomplish something.

I wish everyone a successful week.

I can barely move my legs....

2008-10-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

MyHotComments

Happy Sweetest Day!

I am so sore! I can move, but it hurts. I am so glad I am not going back until Monday. I am actually thinking about going on my treadmill when I get home from work to strech out the legs. I never knew these parts of my body existed!

You know what though, even though it hurts like a bitch, it feels good at the same time.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day and that you share it with someone you love.

I shouldn't have any more nightmares........

2008-10-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

I am back from the gym and am surprised that I am alive. Just kidding. I must admit sitting in the parking lot, waiting for L, (there was no way in hell I was going in there without her) my stomach was all upset and I felt cramps, and I felt nauseous, I really wanted to put the minivan in reverse and jet out of there.

But, I went on with it. I put Adriana in the daycare, we put our stuff in a locker, and proceeded out to the floor. My eyes were staring down towards the floor. I felt like everyone was looking at me. There seems to be more guys than girls, and they all look like big meat heads to me. I was actually thinking what they do for a living, and what kind of jobs all these men had to be hanging around the gym at 9:30 in the morning. I was thinking maybe they are doctors? or lawyers, or strippers. (no way they could be strippers) Then I thought, most of them probably live at home with their parents.

We started on some weight training, which I haven't done since high school, and the first machine, I felt really stupid and embarrassed. It was some leg press bench thingy that works the back of your legs. I thought. "I cannot do this", everybody is laughing at me.

Then I thought, "Mandy, get over yourself, your not at a damn bakery in line where everyone is looking at the poor fat girl ordering a donut, your at a gym for christ sakes!" I was right, if someone maybe were to look at me, they hopefully will think, good for her, and be done with it. For some reason I want to think they are looking at me thinking, "what a fat ass".

Once I got over it, I was fine, and I felt more comfortable. When we were done and were back in the locker room, I went to leave and out of nowhere, L gave me a big hug. Something about the hug made me tear up, and tears were falling from my eyes. L says, "whats wrong?" and I just said, "thank you for not giving up on me and being my friend". She looked back at me with tears welling up in her eyes, and said "Ive never given up on you, and I never measured our friendship by the outside, only by whats on your inside".

Just my luck...

2008-10-17T04:52:00.000-07:00

I have been all nervous about my first trip to the gym this morning. So I wake up this morning, and surprise!, TOM has entered the building. I am so super bloated, crampy and miserable. The old Mandy would not go this morning and make up some excuse. But I am going to take a Motrin and shut the hell up.

Not even TOM can stop me this morning.

Week One Weigh in........................

2008-10-16T10:43:00.000-07:00

Holy shit! I'm done 12.4 frickin pounds. I know that the first week is always a high number, and I know not to expect it next week, but it is sure nice to see. I don't think I'm ready to post my starting number. It was the highest I have ever been. When I feel more comfortable, I will share it. I hope next week will be well, I know the TOM is coming any day. So lets hope.

YEAH ME! (sorry had to write that!)

My life is changing.....

2008-10-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

I joined a gym this morning. Can you believe it? I can't. I am excited and scared all at the same time. My neighbor, who's child is friends with Jakob, whom lives across the street from me and is super fit and healthy, and I joined this morning. I don't even have the words to blog about what this means to me.

First of all, we all know that gyms are super intimidating, and the fact that she is there, makes it so less scary.

The daycare is nice and Adriana seemed to love it right away, plus there is a TV on so I can see what she is doing.

I haven't belonged to a gym since I was getting fit for my wedding, which was 7 years ago. This gym is so much smaller than the one I used to go to, so its more scary because I feel like people are starting at me. I am so thankful for L (my friend) because she will be there with me. Our plan is every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, with this Friday being our first day.

I have to go buy some tennis shoes because I haven't owned a pair in 2+ years, (I am a croc-a-holic).

I cant believe how my life is changing in such a small period of time.

This is a new beginning.

Paying it forward......

2008-10-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

One of my best "blog friends" chubby chick over at http://gottalose200pounds.blogspot.com/ is having a bad day, just like I was not so long ago. Since Fat Bridesmaid, and all the rest of you fabulous bloggers, helped me get out of my funk, I would like to ask you to stop by her blog and give her some encouragement.

She is an amazing person who always has the kindest words and sincerity for others. It would be nice to pay it forward.

We all are in this journey together.

Flap Jack Sunday

2008-10-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

So the weekend is now gone, and it's kind of sad. I feel like it went by too fast. I feel that now that Jakob is in school everyday, it seems the weekend is very short. I have had a tradition for some time now that Saturday is Cinnamon Roll Saturdays and Sundays are Flap Jack Sundays (my son calls my pancakes flap jacks because I flip them on the grill, and say silly things like "I hope this one doesn't get stuck on the ceiling" and such.

Well for Cinnamon Roll Saturday, I stayed with our normal cinnamon rolls, my son actually can't wait for Saturday's just for the cinnamon rolls, and I feel bad to cut them out of his life, so I will probably stick with the tradition. I actually am not a huge fan of the cinnamon roll, so its really not a problem for me.

As for Flap Jack Sunday, for the last few Sunday's, I have been using Organic Batter Blaster, http://www.batterblaster.com/ which I can find at Costco and even my local Grocery. I was drawn to the "organic" and also it looked like a can of "Whipped Cream" so I had to buy it. I was immediately impressed. There is no mess, and no hassle, and they are healthy for yourself and kids. Since we usually have to be at work by 11:00 am on Sunday's, I am all for something easy and mess free. Plus Jakob nor the husband did not notice that they are "organic", so I am sold. (the can is made of steel, so it can be recycled).

All in all, this was a great weekend, we didn't do anything special, but it was nice. I stayed on track with eating and I feel so much better than I did last Sunday.

I can't believe what a difference a week can make.

I'm excited to see whats to come.

The postal service is freaking me out..........

2008-10-11T11:55:00.000-07:00

So I am standing here at work, when the mailman comes and gives me my mail. The weirdest thing came in today's mail that I just had to post about it.

I received a Weight Watchers magazine, which is so cool. Its all beat up and the cover is dirtier than anything I have ever received before. I haven't subscribed to WW magazine in years.

When I had a moment, I looked at the cover.

It had my name and address on the subscription label.

Then I looked for the date:

It says November/December 2006.

WTF?

Why did it come today, and more so, where has it been for all this time?

And why this weekend?

This is just really, really weird.

Happy Friday!

2008-10-10T06:22:00.000-07:00

Today will be "one of those days". I feel that I am always running around doing things. The last couple of days have been nice just to be at home with the kids. Yesterday though, I seemed to be in some sort of funk, like I just couldn't motivate myself, and I felt very cranky. I did get my walking done, so it wasn't like that kind of motivation, I just didn't feel like doing anything. I had a million things to do around the house, but I just couldn't get to them. Then last night, after my DH came home from work, he reminded me what the problem was.....

My body is reacting to this new change. DUH! This always happens to me every time I change my eating habits, my body is used to so much junk, sugar and fat. I quit cold turkey, and like any other addict, I am going through withdrawals. My body is like in "shock". Its okay though, I am not crouched in a ball next to the toilet or anything, and now that I know what the problem is, I am okay.

Like all other addictions, I just have to fight through this.

On lighter notes, I have to go to DS's school today, which is one of those things I hate doing at this size, but I am going for him because he wants me there, and besides, I do have a lot of friends there. Today is the annual Balloon Race, and I will post pics when I can. I completely forgot that I lent my MIL both of my cameras, so I might have to stop at Walgreen's and pick up a disposable. I haven't used one in years. Our school does this every year for a fundraiser. Our school doesn't make the kids do any fundraising on their own, they don't have to sell over priced candy, etc. I guess the parents said they would rather write a check to the school, than do all that other fundraising, so that is what we do. I am much happier giving them a lump sum, personally, since I never have extra time anyways.

After the Balloon stuff, then I will take him back home, let him play awhile, then I will head out to work, help out there, and then I will probably stay all night, and DH will come home with the kids. This is that tricky time of year where, the weather is still warm, and we are still busy, but yet, all my employees have gone back to school, so its hard to keep a full staff. Plus, you never expect to be this busy, and I totally downsize my staff, so in order to save money, I actually have to work Friday and/or Saturday nights. It's so funny when I see my regulars, they know exactly why I am there, and they laugh at me. Personally I hate to work weekend nights, but the upside to all this is, I have the whole Sunday off this weekend, and so does DH, and we never get those rare days, where one of us doesn't go to work, and we are actually are all in the same room together at the same time.

Another thing I wanted to mention is, I am always looking for fast and easy healthy things to eat. I bought the new V8 soups in a lot of different flavors, and I had one yesterday for lunch. I had the Butternut Squash. http://www.campbellsv8soup.com/GoldenButternutSquash.aspx It was amazing and filling, I ate the whole thing, but I suppose you can split it up into 2 servings. This is portable and easy to take to work. I am loving it!

Have a great day!

I am a prisoner

2008-10-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Well this week as been great! I honestly couldn't be more happier. Isn't that insane? Last week at this time, I was having what seemed like, the worst possible week. I truly felt out of control, disgusting and low. I have been binging for months, and not only has eating like this wreaked havoc on my body, skin, nails, and heart, it has been tearing up my soul. I am just not happy. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I feel like I hold back on so many things because I worry about people staring at me, or worse staring at my husband wondering why he's with someone like me. I worry if the chairs at certain places will hold me, or will they have arms where I cant fit. I worry about so many things, so instead of feeling embarrassed, I just make excuses of why I am not going. I have ruined friendships because of my weight, I have cut off contact with girlfriends because I feel like they don't want to be friend anymore. I hardly see my birth mother because I am afraid that I look embarrassing to her.

I cannot be a prisoner anymore. When I think of myself in the future, I don't look this way in my head, I always look much healthier. When I look in my mirrors, I am not happy at what is looking back at me, yet I don't think I am that fat. I was already having a terrible week last week, than I saw that dreaded video tape of me. I was sitting on a couch.

What? That's me? No, that can't be me? I am not that fat.

Not only do I have that short glimpse of me on the couch, I have come to the realization that for my daughters first year of her life, I am in hardly any pictures, and on her first birthday, I didn't want to be in any. I have a total of 3 pictures that I am in, and I am going to post them, just to put them out there. I need to shed, and I need to heal, and I need to let all this go.

I do not want to be a prisoner in my body anymore.

I WANT TO CHANGE MY LIFE!

This is me before the party, you can see me walking at the end of my driveway, I am the one in the pink.

Here is the only other pictures that I am in: Adriana was crying when everyone was singing to her.

She wanted her Daddy

I actually did it

2008-10-08T11:59:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I did it! I actually walked on the treadmill while Adriana took her nap. I have thought about doing this since she was born (she 13 months now). Not only did I walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes on an incline, I watched the Biggest Loser at the same time. As some of you know, Amy C. (from the purple Team) used to work for me at the ice cream shop, and she was the only reason I started to watch the show. I have to say though, since watching the show, I have been truly motivated and it has touched me in a way I never expected (and not in a rated R kind of way)

I am anxious to see what happens.

In case you miss anything, visit my friend Fat Bridesmaid: http://afatbridesmaid.blogspot.com/

"Do Something Good For Yourself"

2008-10-07T12:08:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was first day back to work since I started my new outlook in life. I cannot tell you guys how many "fresh starts" I have started in my life, but Monday was one of them.

I feel as though things are different this time. I am not sure what is going on inside me, but I can't wait to be in this journey. When I started blogging last year, I was in such a depression that I was motivated for awhile, but I was never "excited" about what I was doing. Sunday night, when I was thinking about the changes I was making, I was actually excited, usually the night before a "new start" I binge and binge on all the foods that I can't have. I didn't do this at all this time.

So as I mentioned above I went to work yesterday, not my ideal situation, but I must deal with it. Its weird how my body wants to eat all the bad junk around me, the M&M's, the cookie dough pieces, all the tastes of ice cream. I brouht a Lean Cuisine for lunch and a yogurt. (I would normally bring more food, but I was only working 4 hours today, and I ate right before I started work). My normal routine for Tuesday is I hit Taco Bell before work and order enough for 2 meals, always with the intention of eating one now and save the other parts for later, but I always seem to eat everything and then end up having to order a pizza later for dinner. (Most Tuesdays I work from 11:30 am until 10 pm).

Usually on Tuesdays, other than today, I would order from Taco Bell drive thru: 1 Nachos Supreme meal which comes with a taco supreme, and 2 Bean Burritos with Sour Cream, and the 32oz Cherry Pepsi. Then after I manage to get through all of that at work, I usually feel incredibly sick. But, not without washing it down with some ice cream and 2-3 20oz of Pepsi. You know this is the first time I have actually wrote down or told anyone what I really eat, and I would never eat like this in front of someone, including my husband, I actually never even eat Taco Bell with him.

Today was different, and it felt great, I didn't feel all moody and lethargic and depressed because I ate all that Taco Bell. I didn't feel at all like I normally do
on a Tuesday.

Today when I did start to feel hungry, I got out my Lean Cuisine out of the freezer and I started to pull apart the cardboard when I noticed a saying on the package:

"Do Something Good For Yourself" it read.

Wow! It put an automatic smile on my face. The package made perfect sense to me, eating better is good for me, and when I am making the healthier decisions, versus the junk, I am doing something good for myself. I guess this is another "light bulb" moment for me. I never looked at a "diet" if you will, as something good for myself, I always looked at it as a chore or something that I really didn't want to do but had to do. Hence the reason that I always fail. I haven't felt good about the way I look since I got married, which in a few weeks, will be 7 years. Now of course this newfound motiviation will be good for a couple weeks, it is usually about in the middle of week 2 or 3 I start to lose steam, so that is when I might need some extra support, I will just need to go over that bump.

Who new that writing on a Lean Cuisine box, can be so inspirational?

Shopping for one?

2008-10-06T11:23:00.001-07:00

So, I feel so much better and I feel great to be back to the blog world, and back to making conscience decisions when it comes to eating. This whole summer, I felt less in control, and everything is like a blur when it comes to food or exercise.

Since my great "Video Tape" day, that horrible night when I saw myself on camera, I have been in the worst funk, which if you read this blog, you are aware of my grey funk.

During my funk, I have done a lot of soul searching. I looked at my pantry, which, I would take a picture for you right now, but my MIL has my camera (shes in Europe till the 27th, and i will be celebrating this news in another post i am sure). My pantry is out of control, my fridge is out of control, I am out of control. I have some good neighbor's, who are my friends as well, and our sons are all the same age, any hoo, 2 of these neighbors are very healthy eaters, as so are their kids. Both of these families eat mostly "natural" or "organic", which by all means is fantastic.

I am sort of backtracking here, and I hate it when I do this, but I don't think I have ever mentioned that I have been feeding Adriana all "natural", as you will, because for 2 months this past summer, she suffered from what I called the worst diaper rash in the history of diaper rashes, and I almost had to have her hospitalized, the doctors couldn't figure out what to do for her, and I spent numerous hours and dollars on prescription creams, pills, baths, lotions, etc, and her rash was no better, we are talking blistering rashes, where she would cry from such discomfort. One day, I woke up, and decided, I am not feeding her crappy jar food anymore and immediately went completely organic and natural with her jar food, which then in return turned into more solid foods now, don't get me wrong, i feed her other stuff, but her main diet is organic. Low and behold, her rash almost immediately went away then, and knock on wood, hasn't had one since.

So to fast forward in time to a few days ago, during a recent grocery store visit, which mind you, I frequent the grocery store, more than others because 1. I am not an organized shopper and 2. I have to shop for an ice cream store as well.

Here is an example of what was found in my cart:

1 box of organic maple flavored oatmeal for adriana
1 box of regular full maple sugar quaker oatmeal for jakob
2 loaves of white bread for jakob and bob (dh)
1 loaf of wheat for me and Mil
2 packages of ww english muffins for me and mil
2 packages of regular white bread english muffins for jakob and bob
1 box of Organic O's just for Adriana
1 box of Cookie Crisp and 1 box of Lucky Charms for Jakob

and the list goes on

I found that I am buying for 4 separate people, when in all reality, I should be buying for one. Does this make any sense? It is sorta of starting to with me. Why on earth am I feeding one child healthier choices, but not giving the chance for the older one to eat better? Instead of buying different things for my hubby, I should just buy all the food that we should be eating, and not worry about every body else's eating habits. What I make for dinner, should feed the whole family, instead of what I do now, and that is make 4 separate dinners.

Why in the world, am I just now figuring all of this out? No wonder I am exhausted.

I'm not going to give up on me

2008-10-04T09:54:00.000-07:00

First and Foremost, I would like to take the time out to thank FB for believing in me, and on a day where I felt my lowest, she was right there to pick me up. Thank you to all who believed in me and sent me very encouraging comments and emails, I really do not know how to thank you all.

This journey is really hard, and I never knew how hard it really could be. Regular or naturally skinny people don't know how this journey is, that is why I take such great comfort in those that actually do.

All of your comments and emails actually made me get out of my funk and stop feeling sorry for myself. I have too much great things in my life to stop giving up on me. My Husband, my children, my family, my friends, even you bloggers, haven't given up on me. Why is it that I almost did? Why is it I don't think I deserve the happiness that I have always wanted? Why do I feel I am not worth saving?

Well, this morning, after many days walking around in depression and days of grey clouds hovering over my head, I woke up, and thats it, I am worth it.

its my one year bloggiversary

2008-10-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

So it has been a year since I started this blog and I don't feel or look any different. Its actually very depressing. So now I am 33 and still obese and feeling more and more depressed everyday. I haven't even written an entry because I don't even know what to write. I haven't done a damn thing about trying to get healthier and it is very sad. Yesterday, I saw a video tape of me at my daughters first birthday party, and let me tell you all, it was awful. I don't feel that I look that heavy. So today has been a very grey day. I keep thinking, how can I even leave the house looking that big? Why does my husband still want to be with me? What does my son think of me?

If ever you are denial of how you really look. Video tape yourself. It will open your eyes.

I can't believe its been a year.....

2008-08-21T06:04:00.000-07:00

Well, Adriana turns a year next Friday, and I cannot even believe that a whole year has passed by. I have been very sentimental this week, not only because my baby girl is one, but Jakob is soon to start kindergarden and will be driving a bus to school, everytime I think of everything, I get tears in my eyes.

As far as my weight, I am still the same exact size as I was after I gave birth, so it has been a year-long struggle of up and down, up and down.

Adriana's first birthday party is next Saturday, we have been planning for months now, and I cannot believe that it is already here, I will post pictures. I am expecting around 75+ adults and around 40 kids, so you can imagine my stress.

Here are some new pics for now.

Stop trying to save the environment, start saving yourself!

2008-07-12T06:45:00.000-07:00

The last month or so, I have been on a mission. I have been trying to be more "Green" in my life and at my business. I started changing things up. I started recycling more at work, which has become very important to me. I started to put so much energy and time into it. Recycling cardboard and plastic is no easy feat. I have to take them to the recycling center, etc.

The other day, I got mad at my husband for throwing away a plastic jug, when I wanted to recycle it. He turned to me and said "stop trying to save the environment and start trying to save yourself".

Of course I was mad at him for being a smart ass and for hurting my feelings. Now though, the more I think of it, he's so right. Why do I put soooo soooo much energy into other projects, and I don't put that kind of energy into myself?

Wont I be so mad at myself later in life when I have health problems? Won't I be saying, "why didn't I try to get back to healthy in my thirties when I was still young?"

Why am I not trying to save my own life?

I'm still here, don't worry I'm still fat...........

2008-07-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

For anyone who is still interested in me, I am here and still fat. I have been battling the bulge since I last wrote with all I have, and at the same time, giving up, and binging. It has been an on going cycle, lose a pant size, get excited, then gain the pants back.

Since I am in the ice cream business, I am very busy this time of year, so that is why I haven't been so actively on my blog. Its great to be busy, but at the same time, I have no time for myself, which also hurts my so called diet.

I still am trying to focus on taking those end of summer family pictures, and still trying to avoid my "stalker".

My kids are fabulous and my baby is getting bigger and bigger everyday. Of course, knowing me, I am already planning her end of summer First Birthday Blowout, which is in 2 months. Still, I have a lot to do for that, since it is going to be an outside affair, I have A LOT of yard work to do.

I have not forgotten my blog friends and I do a lot of "lurking" so don't worry. Also, I have been on myspace and facebook, so if you like to myspace, let me know, I will add you to my friends.

http://www.myspace.com/icakes31

I promise to update more often. Thanks to all who haven't given up on me. I will lose this weight yet.

Enjoying my fresh start

2008-06-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am actually "happy", I cannot believe this. Just because I know that I am trying to change my life I am actually feeling happy about myself, I am actually motivated.

At the moment I do not know how much I weigh. I don't have a scale at home. I am going to measure myself, again. I don't want to measure myself. I am positive that my measurements are high and I don't want to face the music. I will change my side bar later when I do measure myself. I just have to be honest with myself. It is the only way.

Catch up:

Jakob had his last day of preschool now he is an offical kindergardner. Adriana turned 9 months last week, she had her shots today, and is terribly crabby. Work is great since the weather has been much warmer, we are expecting 80's all week. Stalker has calmed down now that school is out, although she was at the bank drive thru this morning, right next to me. I am chalking that up as a weird coincidence.

Watched a great movie, Gone Baby Gone, if you like suspense cop thrillers, and Ben and Casey Affleck than this movie is a must. It is written by the same author as Mystic River, which was a fab movie as well.

I need some new exciting low fat cooking recipies. I love to grill outside especially. But I don't know too much about grilling, besides your basics. If anyone has any, please let me know.

Later.

I'm back

2008-06-02T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have been very busy in life and no time to post, but I am back. I have kicked off my walking this morning and my so called "diet" and I am ready to make positive changes. I have a mini goal for the summer. At the end of August I made an appointment for a family picture to be taken outside with a local photographer. I have never once taken a "family" photo. I am too embarrassed of myself. I told my husband that the appointment is made and however we look at that time, it doesn't matter, we are all taking a picture together.

So I am determined to take a picture that I will be somewhat proud of.

As for all of my blog friends, thanks for all your support and for not giving up on me, even when I was beginning to give up on myself. Anyone else who is in this journey with me knows that it is not the physical battles that we must conquer, it is more of our emotional battles.

PS-The baby is now crawling and getting into everything, and this is the stage I call "AAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH"

i am walking, slowly but surely

2008-05-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

I didn't walk as much as I thought I would last week. I am not going to beat myself up about it since it is the most I have walked in a week in years. This morning, after I dropped my son off at Preschool, I came back home to hubby and baby sleeping. For a moment I wanted to crawl into bed with them, but I took advantage of the quiet alone time and got a mile in on the treadmill. It is true what some of you say, you are more likely to do it in the morning, versus at night, and plus I didn't have that "guilt" hanging over me of when I was going to get on the treadmill.

After we picked up Jake from school we went to Costco, and I bought some fresh produce and chicken, which haven't done in a long time. It felt good to stock the fridge up with fresher selections, rather than the chips and cookies I normally stock up on.

I am not on a diet plan at this point in time, I am trying not to think too much about it all. I am not going to get upset everyday about what I ate or didn't eat. I just want to concentrate on making walking a habit. I am trying to make smarter choices and be more conscience of what I am putting into my mouth.

We will see how this all works.

I wish it could be easier.

So I think I have a stalker

2008-05-15T09:16:00.001-07:00

I don't know what it is about me, I am not a very glamorous person, and I feel my life isn't all that exciting, and yet, this will be my 3rd stalker in my life. Stalker might be used loosely in this case, but it is the best word I can come up with for her.

My very first stalker I had was in high school, and my second and more single white female stalker was one of my roommates back when I was living the fabulous bachelorette life in my early 20's.

This is a mommy from school stalker.

My Husband, SIL and a couple of my other friends at school have told me they thought my Stalker was acting weird and like only talks to me, and gets upset when I am not at school, etc etc. I thought everyone was exaggerating. She does call me a lot and I truly like hanging out with her and her daughter and my son play well together. I previously met stalker a couple times before I actually made the connection that I knew her back when our kids started Nursery school. (If that makes sense, she knew my husband before when he was younger)

Even though I am heavy and extremely self conscious of my size, that has never stopped me from making friends. I seem to get along with most everyone and vice versa. I have made a few good friends of the moms who's kids are in the same class as Jakob, some of the moms are my neighbors, who I talk to more often because our kids are at each others houses a lot.

The first weirdness happened at Jake's birthday party. I invited only my "friends" and not the whole school, and a couple people told me Stalker was acting weird, and not talking to the other moms, etc. I didn't even notice because I was busy.

The second was when my SIL ran into her at a function, and all she could talk about was Mandy this and Mandy that, and my SIL thought her infatuation was slightly odd. I was just laughing about it, making a joke that "well what can I say, I am popular...."

Then the next weird was when Jake didn't show up for school, he was sick, and Stalker asked K if I talked to her, and K was like "Yeah Jake's not feeling good, blah blah blah," and K then said that Stalker was saying things like "Oh Mandy called you, and you guys are so close"

Well one of the other moms that I talk to, I see at soccer too. We get along well, she is one of those moms that is super cute, hot body, super cute personality, wears stylish clothes, has a hot husband etc etc.

Even though I am fat and hate the way I look, I have never been one to be jealous of other people. I can totally admit the truth. I guess I have self confidence within. I am not sure if I am making sense. I can totally admit she's hot and cute and I would kill for her body. I always joke with her that I want to take her to Burger King and make her eat Whoppers because I don't think she eats. For now I will call her T.

So we had a field trip for school last Friday, and low and behold stalker called me in the morning asking me to pick her and her daughter up. No problem. While we at the field trip, she literally was right up my ass. I am a very social person and I talk to EVERYONE and she was right there beside me every step. Of course people notice that kind of stuff. Well, there was a couple of dads there and they do like to look at T. I don't blame them. They like to talk to her and they joke around with her.

While we were driving back home stalker was like, "You know T isn't very pretty in the face", "She has a weird mouth and makes weird expressions when she talks, all she has is a nice body"

I was like, "Oh I love T, I think she's great" and I kind of ended it there.

Then on Monday she was talking smack to me about K and one of my other friends J and that really pissed me off. First of all, K is my girl, and everybody knows that, and why is she trying to talk smack about them to me, when she knows that I am friends with them. I was like "don't say that stuff, that's not nice, "

All I need now is for her to tell them I was the one talking about them, when I wasn't. My husband and my SIL said that she only wants me to be friends with her.

The more I think about it, the more it pisses me off. Should I tell K and J what she said, just in case it comes back to them, or should I just let it be? I always have the worst experiences with girlfriends, and I really like these ladies and I don't want to screw things up with them.

I dusted off the treadmill

2008-05-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

No seriously, I dusted the treadmill and the bike downstairs. My son actually helped me clean both of them. I haven't been on my treadmill since before Adriana was conceived, so I would estimate it at about Sept of 07. I spent some jack on it, and I seem to like it. My husband moved it over to the home theater side of the basement and I watched an episode of Ugly Betty, which was great, but I kept looking to see when my 30 minutes were up. I hate exercising (obviously) but there was a time in my life way back when, when it was a part of my life and I was much healthier than I am today. So I went a little over a mile, and I am proud that I actually committed to getting on it.

I am actually feeling a little better about myself.

I finally got my ass of the couch.........

2008-05-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

Well I finally did it. Thank God! I decided to stop sulking in self pity, sitting around on the couch feeling sorry for myself, eating god knows what to make the disappointment in myself go away. I finally came to some sort of revelation today. Not that it is earth shattering or anything. I was sitting in front of the TV eating an hot dog with my son, all of a sudden, I said out of nowhere, "C'mon Honey, get your coat on, we are going for a walk".

I know it wasn't much, I went around my sub for just a little bit. It was only .25 of a mile, which is nothing, but to me IT WAS SOMETHING! I pushed the stroller, and my son rode is bike, and it felt great.

I have now set a goal for myself. I am going to now concentrate on walking. Not eating, just walking. My husband told me the other day to stop worrying about all the dieting and what I should or shouldn't be eating and to start worrying about the walking. He feels that if I discipline myself to start walking everyday, then I will eventually start to worry more about what I eat. He thinks at this point it is more important to walk.

Maybe he is right.

I have officially started to walk away my pounds.

Does anyone care to join me?

More Cool Cakes.........

2008-05-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to take a picture of all the super cool cakes that I do. Cake making/decorating has always been a passion of mine. I always knew that I could be great at it, I just never had the confidence. Lately, I have been getting a lot more confidence and you can see it in my work. These are all ice cream cakes, I am the only store in my area who does these kind of cakes in ice cream.
I promised someone I would send them these pictures, so here they are:

Spiderman (The top tier is plastic, but the bottom 2 are real)

Thomas the Train

Spiderman and Fairytopia Barbie:

Fairytopia Barbie

Happy Mother's Day to all a day late.....

2008-05-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's day to all who are mothers (or going to be mother's) who read my blog.

Here is a poem one sent to me yesterday:

Being a Mother

Somebody said it takes about 6 weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.
That Somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother "Normal" is history.

Somebody said that being a mother is boring......
That Somebody never drove in a car driven by a teenager with a learners permit.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
That somebody never helped a fourth grader with her math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
That Somebody doesn't have 5 children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books.
That Somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is the Labor and Delivery.
That Somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten.

or on a plane headed to military boot camp.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back.
That Somebody never organized four giggling Brownies to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop after her child gets married.
That Somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daugher-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
That Somebody never had Grandchildren.

Somebody said your Mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
That Somebody isn't a Mother.

HAPPY BELATED MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL!

absolutely disgusting......

2008-05-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

I was running around like crazy this morning, never had time for a coffee or breakfast. On the way into work, (I was running late as usual) I stopped at McDonalds. I was STARVING, without even thinking I ordered 2 cheeseburger meal with fries and an iced mocha. I scarfed down the fries, ate both burgers and started on my drink. By the time I was on the freeway and half way thru my mocha, I started to feel the guilt wash all over me.

What the hell is my problem? Why do I continue to eat this way? What is so wrong with me that I keep doing this over and over again to myself.

Today, I realize I am absolutely disgusting.

Random-ness

2008-05-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

The week went by so fast, I am not sure what I even did. I was super busy at work, which is why it went by so fast. Living in Michigan and being busy at work is a good thing these days, so I wont complain. Here are some of my random thoughts on my week. (I am following it with some random pictures).

The hernia/muscle/appendix thing is still kind of there, but not extremely hurting, I promise to take care of it some day soon.

I have a wedding shower to go to on Mother's Day, which totally sucks and I am pretty upset about going to that instead of spending the day with my kids.

I cannot believe that Mariah Carey married Nick Cannon......I am not even sure what else to say about that.

Jakob played an amazing soccer game today, I am super proud of him, I am not just waiting for him to score his first goal.

My mother in law and I haven't been getting along for about 2 weeks now, and it has been a challenge for me to be even be around her at this point. I believe she feels the same about me.

My baby is getting so big everyday. I love the way she looks at me, she has total unconditional love for me and me for her. Being a mother is such an amazing experience, I try to cherish every moment, but the time is going by so fast, the other day I started crying just thinking of her getting married some day.

I have been listening to a lot of Country music this week, which for me, is so out of character.

As far as my weight situation, at the moment, I am at a total stand still. I have done nothing this week to help with my weight journey. I tell myself that I am too busy, but that is when I find myself eating the worst. I feel absolutely disgusting right now.

I saw the movie 27 Dresses the other night, and I thought it was very cute. I am a sucker for these kinds of chick flicks and I love Katherine Heigl. (Speaking of which I thought Greys Anatomy was great this week, made me cry......again).

Here are my random pics:

Here is Ani with her first taste of ice cream.

Here is her first taste of bread (she just grabbed it from the table)

Jakob after he found his Easter basket

Having an "egg fight" with his cousin.

Ani with her first egg. (Jakob colored it for her)

Adriana's first Easter........

Jakob "working" at the ice cream store

Jake reading to his baby sister

Today is Easter, tommorow is no more carbs....

2008-04-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

Today is our Easter, and I haven't done too much religious things today. I went to church last week with the kids (it was Palm Sunday) and it was a long, hot, morning and the kids were a handful. I decided at that moment I wasn't going to go on Easter Sunday. If I had someone to watch the kids, I would no problem, Bob always has to work, so I am stuck to take care of them by myself.

Anyways, last night me, my SIL, my nephew Aleks, and Jakob colored eggs, of course, halfway thru the process, it was just me and my SIL still doing it, Aleks and Jake were more into playing Wii.

Yesterday Jake had a soccer game, and I stopped at the Honey Baked Ham store to grab a ham (which by the way is amazing, I usually cheap out and buy the ones from Costco, but seriously nothing beats a real honey baked ham). While I was there I noticed all these toys outside of this store called Childrens Orchard. Wow what a wonderful store, its basically a resale store for children. What an amazing concept. They are actually a franchise, which I should look into. I am always looking to open up the next big thing. I bought the baby 3 outfits for like $13, just one pair of pants usually costs more than that, or around that at old navy, I was just at Meijers the night before and got one carters outfit on sale for 10 bucks, so trust my wide eyed amazement. It makes such sense since, especially babies, grow so fast.

For any of those who care, my hernia, or whatever I was ailing from, is about 50% better. Today I actually feel better to pick up a lot of the house on things that have been bothering me. I feel so happy that I am actually feeling better, and believe it or not I really miss the ice cream shop. I did go there on Friday and Saturday, but only to make Waffle cones, and decorate some cakes.

Well I have to go now, I had to make my famous Lasagna Rolls, (I added a new twist this time) and I still have to shower. We are going to my SIL's for dinner. My kids are taking a nap, so I should be doing something exciting, like clean my room, or clean jake's room, or the bathroom, (I already did the kitchen and living room) but, I found myself gravitating to the den to blog. I can't help it.

So I decided that due to my lack of dieting the WHOLE FRIGGIN MONTH OF APRIL, I am going to cut carbs out. I usually do this and am always very successful. I have come to the conclusion that Carbs are my worst enemy, along with sugar, which all comes together. The year that I got married, or leading up to it, I lost 80lbs by just not eating carbs and sugar. I am so not exaggerating when I tell you that I had to buy a new pair of pants in Maui because I literally gained 10lbs on my honeymoon. Boy did the pounds just creep up since that honeymoon, not long after the honeymoon, (6 months about, ) I became pregnant with Jakob, and the rest is history. I have been over 300lbs since he's been born, and I am so damn sick of it. I just want to be out of the 300's and never have to see a 3 in front of my weight EVER again. I am so mad at myself for letting it even get this far. The dr that I saw for my hernia wanted me to schedule an appt to come back because "we have a lot of things to discuss". I seriously don't ever want to go back to him, but my blood pressure was high, and I just want to face the facts. I have to for my kids. They need a mother, and a good role model at that.

Enough rambling for now.

I would love to hear anyones suggestions on the low carb way, it seems to be the only way I lose weight. Please I would love to hear from you. How did you "jump start" your diet.

Appendix, pulled muscle or hernia

2008-04-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

So have one of the above. It totally sucks. I don't have the best healthcare, part of the perks of owning my own business, so I needed a CT scan, which I would have to pay for, so opted not too. My pain isn't as severe as a person whos appendix might explode yet, but I did promise the doctor that if I start to throw up and/or have a fever that I would come into the ER right away.

My guess is it is a hernia.

It even hurts to sit still and be on the computer.

Good weight news, I guess, even though I haven't lost (I chalk all that up to the fasting I did for Lent = all the carbs) I didn't gain, I weighed in yesterday at the DR's at 341.

Talk to ya'll in a couple days.........I hope.

Random things that I am annoyed about.....(part one)

2008-04-13T12:10:00.000-07:00

I guess I am having one of those weekends. I don't really have much to say, but I do however, have a lot to complain about. I guess I am in one of those moods. (tom) So here is my random complaining rant. (note not all of the complaints have anything to do with one or another, I am just annoyed in general).

Both my kids got sick this weekend, they both have ear infections and are coughing like smokers. Therefore, I didn't go to church this morning, so therefore, I AM STILL FASTING!

My MIL went into my room yesterday and did all of my laundry. I am not sure how I am feeling about this....on one hand I am happy that all my laundry was done, but on the other hand, is she trying to tell me my room was messy? and does she really need to be folding my underwear?

On the MIL note, (who remind you is from old country), some weirdo guy keeps calling her cell phone in the middle of the night telling her he wants her Pu**y really now, he has got to stop, every time I try to call him back, he never answers and his mailbox is full. He is really starting to piss me off.........I think tonight I am going to sleep with her phone. Let him talk to me.....

I seriously hate it when I am driving down the street and I see a car driving (example: an Dodge Truck or Saturn or some brand of car) and they have those big white stickers going across the top of the windshield that say "D O D G E " just in case we all didn't know what brand of car they had.......I absolutely hate all those stickers. I really want to pull up next to them and roll down my window and go "Oh my gosh! you drive a Dodge? " really people get a life, I might as well put big white stickers on the top of my windshield that say "MINI VAN" just in case nobody quite knows what kind of car I drive..........................

I have this flavor at the ice cream shop called Tiramisu. I am seriously annoyed at all of the following: A. People cannot pronounce it, and they try to and they still don't know how. Then after the butcher they hell out of the name, they still don't know what it is or what it could possibly be. Then I explain that it is an italian dessert with espresso and lady fingers, and it still doesn't ring a bell, they still stare at me with this blank, perplexing stare.(mind you there is a flavor tag that explains what it tastes like) B. that 7 out of 10 people call it Tsunami and they want to try it...seriously do you think that there would be an ice cream flavor called Tsunami? I should just say "Would you like to try a scoop of 9-11 to go on top of your Tsunami?" Stupid people. Am I the only person who thinks that more people have heard of Tiramisu? Are people living under a rock? Have they never been to an Olive Garden? (Mind you these are the same people who cannot pronounce Daiquiri Ice, pralines and cream, Jamoca Almond Fudge (its not Jamaican people) or even rocky road (people have asked me for Rock n Roll) I cannot even make this stuff up..................

On the ice cream misprounced flavor note: The following 2 things REALLY annoy me. First of all Sherbet is not pronounced SHERBERT so stop saying it, it is SHER BET, no BERT, just BET. Secondly, ESPRESSO is not pronounced EXPRESSO. ES not EX.

I am annoyed at my mom, who calls me all the time to make me feel guilty that my Grandpa is in the hospital and that I don't call him enough or go to visit him. I already feel guilty that I don't have time for him, something always comes up, either I am working or my kids are sick, and the hospital is a good 40 minutes from where I live. I already have guilt, I don't need her to make me feel worse, or better yet, to send me a picture of him lying in the hospital bed and email it to me.

I am really annoyed by that one commercial for yogurt (I forget the exact brand) of where these 3 bridesmaids are sitting around a table at what looks like the reception, and they are three kicking back and eating yogurt. I seriously hate this commercial, who in their right mind A. Would even bring yogurt to a wedding, especially if your in the wedding, or B. with all the other types of food and drink or even wedding cake at a reception what bridesmaid would go, "Nah, I am going to eat some yogurt with the other girls". Seriously, who writes this stuff? I get really pissed off when I see this commercial.

My nosey neighbors annoy me. I actually had one neighbor look at my engagement ring last week and then she said "oh your diamonds are high quality" I was like, "what are you talking about?" and she said "oh so and so (my other neighbor) told me next time to look at your ring, because your diamonds are very high quality" First of all, who the fuck cares what quality my diamonds are? They are in fact a very high rating and are very high quality, my husband is picky when it comes to diamonds. But who's business is it for my neighbors? And how do they know about quality, do they walk around with one of those telescope thingies that jewelers use? Maybe they thought I bought my ring on QVC. C'mon give me a break people. (PS I want to let you all know, that their rings are bigger than mine, so I am confused on why they still care, I really don't care. I love my ring because my husband designed it for me. Even if I won the lotto and I had 500 million to spare, I would never give up either of my rings)

I am annoyed at people in general (note I just had a birthday party for jake) that buy him clothes, and they are way too small, (hes five people) and don't give me a gift receipt for the store that they bought it from. I don't want to offend some people by calling them up and asking for a gift receipt, so he got clothes that he will never wear. (maybe my 4 month old nephew will, in 4 years if I can remember 4 years from now to give them to him)

Well I don't even have anymore energy to complain right now, I will again at another time. Please, I would love to hear of anything, no matter what it is that annoys you right now........

My Super Mario Weekend

2008-04-11T11:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't have too much time yesterday, but I know some of you wanted to see pics of the Super Mario Cake. I orginally had an idea to make the mario cake pan and then make a second bigger cake underneath him with the background being part of the game. It didn't quite work out like that because I didn't have a lot of time to bake a very large cake. So we ended up with 2. The party was great and the kids had so much fun. Everything came together nicely. I love having house parties a lot, but they are a lot of work. You work so hard to make sure your house is clean for all the people, then you work so hard to clean after they leave. I wanted to take more pictures, but I was so busy running around I had no time to take hardly any. So here are some.......

Jake opening his "big" gift before the party:

Side view of the first mario cake:

Top view:

Mario Pan cake:

On a lighter note........
I had a small NSV this weekend as well. I was so busy running around this weekend getting ready for the party and working at the ice cream shop (it was in the 60's this past weekend) I ran into Avenue and grabbed 2 pairs of capris. I normally would grab a size 32. I absoultely hate trying stuff on, so I usually grab my size and run. Well, they were having a sale on these particular capris and of course i want the 2 darkest colors, and they didn't have any 32's (they are usually the first size gone) so I grabbed a 30 in both thinking the would be tight but oh well, the shirt that I had to wear would cover up my ass. Well, the morning of the party, I put a pair on and to my surprise they actually fit me, but the real shocker was that they were too big. I totally could of bought a 28. I don't think that I am a 28 size yet, but in this particular pair of pant I am. I seem to by only losing in my waist right now, which I am happy about, but I would like to see some inches go away from my hips and boobs too.

Well I must go for now, I have stuff to do around the house and I eventually have to get to work at some point.

Everybody have a fab weekend in blog world.

I'm a miserable bitch today

2008-04-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Well I had a busy weekend with Jake's party. It was a huge success and the kids had a lot of fun. A couple of his friends told me it was the best birthday party they ever went to. I didn't sleep a lot. But I got it all done.

Now on to the reason why I am a miserable bitch........well since some of you who actually read my blog know that this is our lent for our easter. I always like to take communion once a year. Last year I didn't do it at lent season because I was pregnant. So I really wanted to take communion for Easter. In order to take communion you must fast 1 week before. So starting Monday I have been fasting. Its not like fasting as some people would think. You can't eat any meat or dairy, basically no animal products. I have been starving in a sense. Its weird though, I was thinking about it last night. How strict I am with fasting, why am I not with every day eating? I never cheat when I fast because I want to take communion the right way. You must sacrifice for god in a sense, and I couldn't possibly take communion knowing I ate a burger the night before, so I really don't cheat.

So I have been eating a lot of past a bread and french fries. All the stuff that you are not supposed to be eating right? Then to top it all off, today is my TOM which totally sucks and I am at work right now, tempted by all this dairy bull shit. I am totally not in the mood for customers and I want to bite everyone's head off, this bitch needs some meat or dairy whichever one right now.

Itty Bitty Chair

2008-04-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very good the last couple of days on eating. I am not sure why, and I am not proud of it. I have been doing good and I went to the kids dr's office on Tuesday and I lost 2 pounds. Maybe I was a little dissapointed because it has been 2 weeks since I weighed myself there, or maybe deep inside I knew I could of done better......so being the emotional eater I am, I went on the deep end yesterday and today.

So tonight I had Kindergarten Round up. Boy was that a treat. A lot of paperwork and a lot of going over stuff on what to do for the summer and how to prepare them blah blah blah. They moved groups into the kindergarten room for an orientation. All of the friggin chairs were made for a kindergardner. Not for a 300 pounder and my word, I was supposed to sit on this Itty bitty thing, I was with K and she started making fun of the chair saying, oh my butt is going to break this, but I think she was trying to make me not feel uncomfortable. Maybe there was other heavy women in the room, but all I could see were the skinny ones, even the teacher was bone thin. Throughout the whole oreintation, all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was, and if I was going to break the chair or not. Then I kept thinking what I would do if the chair broke. I actually started to get flushed in my face while I was thinking about it. I had spanx on, and it made it even harder to breathe.

I guess the moral of today's story my friends, is I shouldn't be giving up. I hate these moments in life where I feel like the largest person in the room. It was a mini wake up call for me to get back on track. I never want to feel like this again.

As our group was leaving the library, I noticed another group in the oreintation and there was another large women, she was much larger than me, and she was the only one standing in the room and her face was red. My heart went out to her because I knew exactly what was going through her head. I am sure she wasn't listening to the teacher either.

After a couple of bad eating days, I vow to stop binging and move on with my healthier habits I have been trying to make.

Thanks to all who support me.

Im in birthday party hell

2008-03-29T08:31:00.001-07:00

So Jake's party is in one week! OMG! I have absolutly nothing done to prepare for it. I have been so busy doing other things, like working, that I haven't even prepared. I work the best under pressure, so we will see what turns out this week. I estimated about 22-26 kids coming. Good grief! We have a large family, plus I let him invite about 5 kids from school. I could invite more from school, but because of the large family, I couldn't. I like to have great parties for my kids (well Ana hasn't had one yet). I never really had parties for me when I was little. My birthday is in September, along with other family members, and my family always picked one day where we would celebrate all of them together. A lot of times my parents forgot my birthday as I was older. One time I asked my Mom why she didn't call me and she actually told me that she didn't remember that day because she wasn't there when I was born (adopted) so then they started celebrating the day I was adopted by taking me out to dinner. Very strange. They don't even do that anymore. My Husband always felt bad for me, so he always trys to do something nice for my birthday. He truly loves me, and he is my best friend. I remember my first birthday party he actually threw for me. I was 20 years old, the place was decorated with balloons and young kid stuff and the cake was Aladdin, which was my fave Disney movie at the time. There was cotton candy and popcorn and all my friends, Everything was Disney themed and so much fun. I look at pictures of how happy my face was. It was one of my best birthdays ever.

I have been told about a few family members talking about my "fancy over the top" parties behind my back, but I really don't care. I feel they are not fancy or over the top at all. Every kid should remember their birthdays as one of the best days ever. I work extra hard to make a birthday happen. I save all my money for them. I know there will come a time, where the kid birthday wont be so cool, and he will want just his friends to stay over or whatever, but he is 5 and having the time of his life. I would do anything for him or his sister. Having a birthday party for your kid is one of the joys of having kids. (enought of my birthday rant)

He only wants a Wii for his birthday, and let me tell you, that was extremely hard to find. Everystore I went to laughed at me like I was crazy. So to save time, stress and gas money (and embarrassment from the workers) we bought one on craigslist for a premium. It wasn't too much more than the retail price, so I am happy to have it and Jakob has no idea. He plays at both my Nieces house and my Nephews house and it seems to be all he can talk about. He is Super into Mario. He plays it on his DS and on the wii, so he then asked me to throw him a "mario" party. Little did I know that there is not much out there for Mario. How upsetting.

I figured I will make him a Super Mario birthday cake. I already sketched one out, and bought little figures from some website that actually came today.

I also hired some entertainment for the kids.

I didn't want a house party, but that is what it ended up to be.

I will definetly post pics.

So here is my list this week:

Put together Party Favors
Think about food, order it, make it etc.
Clean basement
Clean rest of house
Buy drinks, etc.
Buy Partyware
Make friggin cake
I was thinking of making mario cookies too, well see how much time I have.

I am sure that there is more to this list, but that is all I can think in my head right now. K and I are planning to hit Sams club on Monday after school, (for ideas for party favors) I have a Costco membership, I used to have a membership to both, but I haven't renewed the sams one, I don't need to be too spoiled with both. I have an idea in my head of what I want to do, but I wanted to see Sams candy selection.

If anyone has any Mario Brothers decoration ideas, I am happy to hear them.

I found 1 place on ebay, but they are international, and I don't think they would be here on time in 1 week.
Well I got to go to work for now.

Here are some pic of the kids. Jake with his cool hair and Ana who has been sitting up all by herself like a big girl (for about 2 weeks now)

Big NSV!

2008-03-27T13:40:00.000-07:00

I am so freakin excited right now! I had to share! I am so not a scale person and I like to measure myself versus weigh myself. Anyways.....I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring on my wedding finger since I was about 6 months pregnant (mid 07). In the orthodox church you are married with your right hand. I had my ring made for my right hand with the intentions on wearing it on my right hand. That was how I was married and I hardly ever take off my rings. Like any other wedding/engagement ring, of course it is extremly special and sacred to me.

I had to switch fingers when I was pregnant and had to wear the wedding band on my engagement hand, so I was okay with it, but I was never happy with it. Since I have had the baby I still haven't been able to move the ring over to my right hand, there was no way in hell it was getting on my ring finger.

Yesterday while at work, I noticed that my rings seemed looser and my engagement kept turning around. I took my wedding band off and without even thinking about it, placed it on my right hand. It totally fits again. I couldn't be more happier than to have my ring back on the way it was intended. It feels right to be back on the right hand.

I know it might sound silly to some, but having my ring fit again means the world to me.

It might be a small NSV to some, but sure is a big NSV for me!

Cheese and cracker addiction........I need help

2008-03-26T11:59:00.001-07:00

I have been working for the past 2 days which has been crazy. (hubby was busy on another project). I worked all day Monday and Tuesday. I went on Monday to the grocery to buy milk and banana's for the store and I had a hankering for cheese and crackers. I bought mild chedder blocks and the laughing cow reduced soft swiss stuff and triscuts the lowest fat version I could find. All day and night long I munched on the crackers and the cheese. After I closed, I was driving home it hit me, i didn't eat anything substantial all day. I munched on cheese and crackers all day long. What a weirdo!

So when Tuesday came rolling around, I promised myself that I would eat an actual meal. Nope, I ended up doing the same thing.

I am completely obsessed with the cheese and crackers.

Please someone, bring me to my senses.

I need help.

Today, I am not working and I plan on actually eating real food. I made scrambled eggs and wheat toast this morning for the whole family, and now I am getting hungry again. Cheese is sounding so good. I already trying to think of way to incorporate the laughing cow into a chicken dish.

Somebody please stop me.

Okay so I'm a little Cranky.......

2008-03-23T22:24:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am a little cranky tonight. In case some of you may have forgot or maybe didn't even know about me, today was not my Easter. I am Serbian Orthodox, and our Easter this year is on April 27th (if u are not sure of which religion I am, think Big Fat Greek Wedding) So I was extremely excited when we closed the store for "american" easter, as my son calls it. I thought today would of been a luxerious day with me taking a long nap, soaking in the jacuzzi, eating breakfast in bed blah blah blah, but no, nothing that I thought we were going to do today as a family, we did.

I wanted to go out to breakfast and none of the good places were even open.

I wanted to go shopping, Bob didn't. So we went to Walmart for like a little bit, when I wanted to browse.

I wanted to watch a movie, Bob fell asleep.

It was nice being with my family and not having to worry about work. One of us works everyday, so it is rare that the two of us are together all day long, so Jakob was so excited. The only few days are Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Day and Easter. and sometimes I even open on New Years Day, because why? I am crazy.

Well later tonight, I attempted to list a bunch of stuff on ebay, stuff from the store that we don't need anymore, (we replaced them with newer stuff) like blenders, fudge warmers, yogurt machine, etc) I went through all this flippin trouble to list them at a certain time tonight so that they would end a certain time next sunday, only to have ebay suspend my account and cancel the listings. You know what really friggin pisses me off? That you actually cannot call an actual person at Ebay. I had to do some "live Chat" only for her to tell me she didn't know what happened and that she would email me later. I was friggin pissed.

So while I was friggin pissed, my husband still asleep on the friggin couch, I decided to make Jake's birthday invites. I like to make the invites if I can, just like I like to make the cake....Why you might ask? Don't I have enough shit to do everyday, Nah, I like to be stressed. So, I bought the cards and paper I needed earlier in the week, but since I was busy with Easter cakes, I didn't have time to print them.

So tonight I knew I had to print them so I could get them in the mail tommorow because his birthday is like in 2 weeks from tonight. So I typed out what I wanted to say, click print, and you guessed it, NO INK!

So it is almost midnight, and now I am even more friggin pissed. I run to Meijer which is down the corner, and run in. They don't have the friggin ink, of course, because today is not my day.

So I bought some ink refill syringe type thing. You know, I am a pretty crafty girl. I consider myself somewhat smart. I can refill my own ink. Big Friggin Mistake. Never try to refill your own ink. At least I had some smarts to put newspaper down. Lets just say I wont be wearing those socks again. (don't ask how I could possibly ruin socks from an ink cartridge, but I can)

here is proof of some of the ink:

So after I refilled the ink, I started to print them, but guess what, the stupid friggin printer won't take my card stock that I bought. So I really don't feel like going completely crazy at this point. I seriously almost gave up, I was going to buy fill in the blank invites. But no, I am not letting this defeat me. So I took the shortcut out and printed them on regular copy paper then cut them out and glued them onto the cardstock. I didn't exactley have the glue that I needed and it being now 1 am, I refuse to do yet another Meijer run.

So my hands are black and glued and I think I got some on the carpet, but the invites are all put together. And for now being 1:30 in the morning, after a long friggin weekend, on a not so perfect day, I think they are looking fabulous.

Oh, and I just got an email from ebay apologizing for the mixup and reinstating my account, oh goody. A little late now..............

How to be a good customer part 1

2008-03-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

With the warm season upon us here in michigan, I am getting busier at the ice cream store. I am again reminded of how much I hate people, customers in fact. Even though Corporate wants us to refer to them as "guests", I cannot do that, because they are not my guests, I wouldn't dare invite 75% of these people into my home. I do however try my hardest to serve each guest with a smile no matter how much they might bother me or irritate me. As they are walking out I might still be smiling and waving until they are out of sight and then my smile might turn into a middle finger or something else obscene. Now this post is only for the humurous at heart. Please do not take this post the wrong way, it is just my way of venting. I have been serving customers over the counter since I was 13. I am now 32, so you do the math. And please remember, I do really like my customers, because without them, I would have no money....right? But I still need to let loose........

How to be a good customer in Mandy's Ice Cream shop, Part one:

1. Once you are ready to pay for your ice cream, please do not throw your money at me. This is very, very annoying, especially when I have my hand out waiting for the money. In return, do not get pissed off when I throw your change back at you on the counter. What, you don't like that?

2. Stop asking me stupid questions!!!!! The most common which occur every other customer is. "Are you slow in the winter?" or the famous "Are you busy in the summer?" Do I really need to answer these questions? Isn't it obvious when I am busy? And why do you feel the need to really ask? Also, my other favorite stupid question is in the winter when almost every single customer asks "Am I the ONLY crazy person to come in today for ice cream?" Seriously, every single person says this to me, I really can record them. No you are not the only person to come in, do you really think I could pay all of my bills if just ONE person came in all day to buy 1 stinkin ice cream cone? Do you really think I would be open all year round if no one came in, in the winter months? Stop asking the dumb questions.

3. When a cake for sale is labeled. Please do not repeat the flavor to me 10 times.

Example: Customer: So this cake is Chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate cake?

Me: Leaning over to read the tag. Yes! That is what is in that cake.

Customer: So, it has chocolate cake in it?

Me: Yep.

Customer: So there is cake and ice cream in this?

Me: Yep.

Customer: So this cake has Chocolate chip ice cream in it?

Me: Yep.

Customer: So how much is it?

Me: (NOTE: THE PRICE IS ON THE LABEL!!!!) $27.99

Customer: $27.99?

Me: Yep.

Customer: Okay, I'll take it.

Me: (Getting a box and putting the cake into the box, now ringing customer up at register)Customer: So that has chocolate cake in it, right?

Me: (taking a very long deep breath) Yes it does..........

Seriously, this happens everyday, and I am not sure why.

4. When looking for the napkin dispenser, please do not look up at the ceiling while asking for them. Why on earth would napkins be hanging from the ceiling? We never have understood that one, and we always always will laugh at you.

5. After asking for a sample of ice cream, please do not hand me back your taster spoon. First of all, why on earth would you want to give someone else, your garbage? Secondly I really do not want to touch your spit and it is really gross, there is a garbage in the store (actually 2 garbages) and that is where your spitty gross spoon goes. Secondly, upon tasting 1 flavor, do not give me the spoon again to taste another flavor.......ewww that is so gross, we do not double dip!!!!

6. When waiting in a long line for about 5-10 minutes, please be ready to order when it is finally your turn. I have never understood this one. What on earth have you been thinking about this whole time in line? The thought hasn't occurred at all what you are going to be ordering? What the hell are you doing in line? We are always so confused at these particular customers and not only does this annoy us, but it annoys the people waiting in line after you, who acually know what they want.

and lastly for now.

7. When it is time to pay for your ice cream, there is nothing grosser than when you pull out your money from your bra, or sock, or wherever else you pull it from. This is the grossest most disgusting way to pay. Nothing is grosser than unfolding a sweaty, moist five and putting it in the register. Really? We want to throw up when you do that. Do you really think we want to touch sweaty boob money or smelly gross sock money? Common sense people, common sense.......

My list can go on and on. But this is all for now. Like I mentioned before, this is purely for humor value and not to offend anyone.

Thanks for letting me vent.........
Happy Friday everyone! Now I have to go to work! YEAH!

March Weigh in

2008-03-19T12:23:00.001-07:00

Well, I have posted before that I don't have a scale so I would not be doing weekly weigh ins. The last time that I took my kids to the doctors, I weighed myself (on feb 26) and I weighed 355 which i didn't even want to talk about because that is what I weighed at 9 months pregnant before I even had the baby. So that meant that I probably gained some weight after the baby. Well, I went to the doctor's for Jakob today (he has a bad ear infection and we were up 1/2 the night) and I weighed myself again, I weigh now 343, and that is on my period and with having a not so good weekend eating wise. I cannot even tell you how happy I am to see a loss. The kids peditrician is my cousins wifes office, so they let me weigh myself in private and stuff and my cousin knows all of my battles with weight so she is ultra supportive, of course i don't let anyone know the actual number. But I am sure people can guess. So there you have it, I am down 12 pounds, and I am very happy with that today. A little bit of good news after a rough couple of days.

Is it really because of a hot fudge sundae?

2008-03-17T05:51:00.000-07:00

Here in Michigan and I am sure in surrounding states, we had very nice spring weather on Friday and Saturday. We were very busy at the ice cream store. Any kind of warm weather brings EVERYBODY out. Although I enjoyed being busy, (my employees are on spring break for college, so it was just the hubby and I) I missed my kids. Friday, Jakob slept over at my SIL's house, and I picked up the baby at her house at 10 pm. Saturday my MIL watched both of the kids, and Sunday my other SIL watched Jakob and my MIL the baby. The warm weather brought out people, but I am once again reminded of how many freaks (anyone who works with the public can understand this comment) there are out there. I had a lot of them this weekend. From whole families that smelled like cat piss, to a man bringing his own silver spoon to eat his ice cream. Plus, we had a coupon drop in the paper and everyone had a friggin coupon. It was very busy for us.

Well now it is monday morning and I am finally going to spend some much needed time with my kids, and I am looking forward to a relaxing day with them. On busy days at the store, I am literally on my feet all day, only sitting down to pee. On Friday night, my feet and legs were burning. Before work on Saturday, I stopped and bought new Crocs for me and for Jakob. What a difference the new Crocs made. My feet are not even hurting this morning. I have often thought that if I didn't walk around as much as I do at the store, I would probably be fatter. I always think the store makes me somewhat active, but then after a weekend like this, on Monday's I don't want to do shit, so we will see what energy I have today. I know for sure I need to plan Jakob's birthday party. He wanted it at the city pool (its all inside and the have water slides and stuff) we did that last year, but they are all booked up for the month of April, and then some. He mentioned something about bowling. I will call around today.

So now I will get to my panic attack last night. I am not sure what triggered it or what caused it. I haven't really talked about these at all on my blog. I got my first panic attack before I had Adriana. It was mild, and I didn't think anything of it. It felt like I couldn't breathe. I do have asthma, (I had it even when I wasn't so fat) I am 100% sure that my asthma wouldn't be as bad as it is now if I lost weight. Anyways, at that time I thought that it was because I was 9 months pregnant and there was just no more room in my body, and I had a hard time breathing. The second one happened when I was in labor. I already had an epidural and anyone who has had this experience can understand that you get a numb feeling in your legs. They get extremely heavy and you are not allowed to get up and use the bathroom. The nurses will switch you from side to side so you don't get too numb on either side. I am not sure what exactley happened, but my parents were in the room, and anyone who knows my mother she is not a calm person, she was kind of making me more nervous, I actually at one point told her to "shoosh and be quiet", and she looked pretty pissed at me. Bob turned on the TV to calm me down and get my mind off of things and I remember Big Brother being on. All of a sudden I couldn't breathe, My whole chest was tightening up and there was an awful sensation in my chest, my heart started racing, I kept thinking "I can't breathe", my mom noticed right away and started freaking out saying, "she can't breathe, she can't breathe," Bob called a nurse. She listened to my heart and said I wasn't wheezing, I felt all hot and sweaty, my heart was pounding, I looked at the nurse and said" I feel trapped, like I can't breathe" I told her "I can't explain it" She looked at me straight in the eyes and said "You are fine, your BP is fine, your pulse is fine and you are not wheezing" I started to freak out more and started to panic, "I can't breathe, I can't breathe", I kept saying it in a low panicked tone. I need to get up and walk, and I can't, I am numb, and in labor. The nurse calls someone else to come in and help. They put an oxygen mask over my face. I then freak out even more, I felt even more clausterphopic, the nurse has the mask over my face. Just breathe, you are okay, I kept thinking, there is nothing wrong with me, I told her to take the mask off, I hated it. She then moved me over to my other side, of course she needs a lot of help, since I am as big as a whale and she is about the size of half of me. Bob helps her move me. Bob comes close to me and carresses my face and tells me that everything is okay, and I am fine, the baby is fine, I tell him to get my parents out of the room.

Adriana was about 3 weeks old and I completely forgot about that little "episode" I had in the hopsital. At the time, I thought I was having some sort of asthma related incident. I was driving home from work, and I was talking to my SIL tina on the phone. All of a sudden, panic came over me again. I was driving this time. I got all hot and sweaty, my heart started racing, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I made up some excuse on the phone, I didn't want to tell her what was really happening. I pulled over right away, I got out of my car and started walking around the car, the fresh air hitting my face. I kept saying over and over again in my head, I am allright, I will be okay. Yet, all I kept thinking was that I was going to have an heart attack. I stayed outside of my car for awhile. When the pounding in my chest calmed down, I got back in and went on home. This happened on and off for some while, but usually only when I was driving. Usually only when I was by myself. In Nov of 07, Bob and I had tickets for a red wings game in a suite, it was for work, and all the top franchisee's in michigan were going to be there, it was sort of a thank you for all the top perfoming stores, there were about 10 store owners there and some of the big wigs from the company. On the way to the game, it happened to me again on the freeway. It was one of the worst ones yet. This one was worse because I didn't want bob to know, I started stripping in the car, taking off my coat, my seat belt, rolling down my window, Bob thought I was getting car sick, I was just like "No, I can't breathe" He asked if I wanted to pull over, and I was like, no, just keep going because we were already late for the game. I didn't want to be any later. When we parked, I jumped out of the car as fast as I could. We started walking to the people mover and I started to feel so much better that I was out of the car. That following monday, I broke down and told my mom what had been happening. I have these issues about having a daughter because of my weight, I never wanted to have a daughter go through any of the things I have had to in my life, and in my mind it would have been so much easier to have a boy. I have tears streaming down my face right now as I am typing. Please forgive me, this might be long and may not make too much sense to all of you, but blogging has already been such a healing tool for me.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am just being honest. When I was pregnant this second time, I was hoping for a boy. Of course I was happy that it was a girl, but it scared me so much. The whole time I was pregnant, I told everyone it was a boy, I even named it in my head. I got all of jake's old clothes out and had them all ready.

When the doctor told me it was a girl, I was in complete and total shock. A girl? Are you sure? I watched them take her off of me, and weigh her and clean her up, and I was watching them in pure amazement. What just happened? My husband was crying, he was so happy, he couldn't of been any happier. I was just staring at her, she was crying, they pricked her foot, cleaned her off,put that goopy stuff in her eyes, she was this wonderful chubby glorious 9 pound 6 oz of pure angel. I had just witnessed a miracle and for some lucky reason God wanted her to be mine. He wanted me to be her mama. Besides my son, I have never seen such a beautiful baby. My husband left to go tell my parents the good news and he called his mom. I was all by myself with the dr and the nurses. I collapsed my head into my hands and just started sobbing. It was one of the greatest moments of my life. My whole body was shaking and I was sobbing. The nurse came over to see if I was okay, I said no, I was just so happy.

Well on the phone with my mom and that Monday in November, I broke down and started crying to my mom. If anyone really knew me, they would know, I am not a cryer and I put up strong walls. I told her that I was afraid of dying. I told her everything.I told her that I didn't want my daughter to look at me like a big fat failure, and to even look like me. I want her to look like my husbands side because they are so petite and small. I didn't want to die from a heart attack and leave Adriana or Jakob behind. I didn't want her to ever be embarrassed of me. Things were just falling out of my mouth, things that I was saying, were even surprising myself. My mom suffered from panic attacks her whole life, and she told me that was what I was having. She thought it might of been some form of post partum depression.

I told my husband that night what was happening and he told me that he didn't understand and I am sure alot of that was due to me not knowing how to explain it. I havent had an episode again, that was until last night.

I am not sure what happened. I want to say, part of it was that I have been doing so well on my new eating plan and been sticking to my own personal goals, that I haven't been panicking about anything. Yesterday was a whole different story. I woke up from an already long weekend, and started my period. I felt crampy, bloated, tired and not feeling myself at all. Normally periods to dont affect me at all, but things are different since having the baby. On my way to work, I already made up my mind that I wanted McDonalds breakfast. I gave in and ordered a biscuit, egg and cheese sandwich with hash browns and a non fat iced mocha. It was delicious. I chalked it all up to my period and just giving in to my bad mood. For lunch I had a healthy sandwich, and for dinner I had a big bowl of ice cream with hot fudge and whipped cream. It was a few hours after my ice cream and it was 1/2 left until I closed. I was by myself, my husband who worked double as hard as I did, I sent home to be with kids, since I knew that Monday I probably wont be coming in. I was decorating a cake, when bam! A panic Attack! my heart was beating fast I could feel it in my chest, I felt light headed, I couldn't breathe, then the wierdest thing of all, my mouth and lips got numb. I totally freaked out. I started shaking, I put the cake back into the freezer and went and locked all the outside doors, I shut off the lights and the open sign, and I went into the back room, we have a couch back there, I laid down on the couch. I could feel my heart speeding, pounding, anxiety and nervousness. I laid there still with my eyes closed breathing out my mouth and in through my nose. I seemed to calm myself down enough. I went out front and started to clean up. I had all these thoughts racing through my head, what was I panicking from? because I didn't eat healthy? Because I had ice cream? Part of me felt kind of jumpy all night because I was by myself, everytime someone walked in who looked kind of questionable, i turn my engagement ring around move the tip jar, look up at the survellience camera, i have been having a lot of thoughts of how someone could rob me. I have never in my life been scared of someone robbing me. I get all weird now and don't even go to my car at night if I see someone by my car. All of these thoughts keep racing, the most prominent one being: is this all because I ate bad things today? Is it really because of the hot fudge sundae.....All of a sudden I heard pounding on the window. I jumped! I never am a skiddish person. I looked over and saw some guy pounding on the glass pointing to the open sign (which was turned off) I could see his mouth moving saying "are you still open?" I shook my head no, I couldn't talk, my whole body feels weird, my face is numb and my chest is pounding even harder now because he scared the shit out of me. He still keeps pounding on the glass, he is trying to open the door. What the fuck is this guys deal? I have all the lights off, the sign is off and the door is locked, does he really think I am going to walk over to the counter and open it for some maniac who keeps pounding on my glass? Does he really need ice cream that bad? Then he walked over to the other side of the store where I have another open sign, this one is on, but it is always on because when my husband was fixing the radio he unplugged something else, which was this sign, and he hasn't gone back up there to fix it. So now the maniac is pointing at the other sign that is still on, and again he is pounding on the glass. Doesn't this freak know that he is just scarying me more and to leave already. My whole body is numb and I just want him to go away. I just walked into the back again and looked into the survellience monitor and waited for him to leave. When I drove home, i still felt a little panicky, I really cannot describe the feeling. I just wanted to get home, and I kept thinking that I didn't want to die. I kept talking to God to help me, just get me home so I can see my kids. I kept thinking....why is this happening to me?

Almost from the moment when I pulled up in my driveway. I felt better. Once I got inside and my son ran into my arms yelling "Mama...!!" I was better. I did talk to Bob about what happened, and I told him I couldn't tell him on the phone because talking about the attack while its still going on makes it worse. I told him I closed early just in case maniac glass pounding guy calls him in the morning to complain about me. Bob doesn't really understand and I don't blame him because I don't really understand myself. He then said, the last time this happened to you, you were on your period. I can't remember. Maybe he might be on to something. I put my son to bed upstairs, and after he fell asleep I went back downstairs and into the kitchen, with out even thinking, I opened up the package of cookies on the counter and put one into my mouth. I took a bite. It tasted so good. I then looked at it. What am I doing? I don't really want this. I threw it in the garbage. Wow, I am such an emotional eater, it is almost scary. i walked back into the den, Bob was still on the computer, I put the DVR on Big Brother and lost myself in all the drama, before I knew it, I was fast asleep and bob was poking me to get up and go to bed.

Sorry for the long post, but I am feeling much better now, and thanks for reading. It means a lot to feel I have someone to "talk" to.

Changes I have noticed already.....

2008-03-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I had another busy weekend, and I wont dare bore you all with the details. I seem to always have busy weekends. This weekend we did a lot of socializing, (that is when the drinking started.... :)and it was enjoyable, this weekend I know we will be doing a lot of working since one of our employees is going on spring break.

Any hoo....since we did have a very busy weekend, I didn't do quite as well on eating as I would have liked. I was getting kind of frustrated, but then my hubby reminded me how I was changing. Here are some of the changes that I have made since beginning of February:

1. I stopped going to any drive thru for breakfast. I usually would do McDonalds, Burger King, Dunkin Donuts, Tim Hortons, you name it, and sometimes would double the order (one for hubby too). I now eat at home a healthier breakfast, usually a ww english muffin with 2 tablespoons of natural PB, which keeps me ultra satisfied for a long time, or I have bowl of high fiber cereal. Not only have I cut out the fast food for breakfast, I haven't been spending that every morning $8-10.

2. I stopped eating fast food for lunch. Usually when I work at the ice cream store, I either stop at a drive thru on the way in for lunch or I order delivery at the store. On days I have off, I usually pick up Jake from Preschool and then I always ask him what he wants for lunch, I ask "McDonalds, Burger King, or Wendy's"? Now I will pack a lunch for work, or if I am home I make lunch at home. My husband pointed out that not only am I slowly changing, Jakob is benefitting too, and also my husbands wallet.

3. I stopped eating ice cream (which i did just about everyday at the store).

4. I stopped drinking regular pop and I stopped putting sugar in my coffee.

5. I stopped with the junk food at night. I usually munch all night long on everything, and I totally slowed down. Last night Bob and I watched a movie and he had bad munchies, he ate barbeque chips, and I really wanted something to munch too. With out even thinking I made a small cup with cottage cheese and pineapple tidbits (no sugar) and it was sweet and satisfying.

6. Even though my dinner routines aren't always perfect, I have now incorporated a salad or veggie with every meal, which I have been eating first. I never eat any sort of veggie so this makes me feel better, and I fill up on the good stuff first instead of skipping those to get to the bad stuff. We went to Outback on Monday night and I ordered steamed veggies instead of the potatoe with my steak. I ate all of the veggies first before the steak. Normally I would order a loaded baked potatoe.

7. The house has been much cleaner and laundry is done a lot more since I am moving around more instead of being tired and lazy. I started sitting on the couch less and moving more around the house. So of course hubby is happy to come home to a more organized house and cleaner clothes. Before, because of how I ate, I would always be so tired and had no energy to do housework. I actually cleaned the floors twice this week, even Jakob noticed how nice the house smelled.

I am so happy that my hubby pointed these things out for me. I was feeling pretty bad that I didn't stick entirely to my program, and was down about it. After he reminded me of all these small changes, I feel so much better. I am making changes to better my life, and we all have to take the time to notice those small efforts. He reminded me that even though we went out to dinner a lot, I was doing all the good stuff before I ate.

Now I need to start incorporated exercise into my life. That is a hard challenge because I hate it so much. But I know I have to do it.